Treasures

          It is such a joy to finally be home with our sweet Hayden!  It seems like it took so long.  I think back to meeting him 3 ½ years ago, and now he is HOME! He will forever be a Bohlinger! My heart is so full it feels about to burst!  GOD IS SO VERY FAITHFUL!!!

          In preparation for this Christmas, I have been spending time reading the accounts of the birth of Jesus in Matthew and Luke and trying to wrap my brain around all that brought the Son of God to Earth that glorious night. My heart continues to be drawn to Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” I can only imagine all the people, moments, and God encounters that Mary treasured and pondered in her heart as she looked into the face of her sweet baby, the Savior of the World; each moment and person confirming for her the destiny that the angel of the Lord had set before her.  It was not an easy destiny.  It was one that caused people to talk and look unfavorably at her at times, I am sure.  But she was willing to give all of herself to her Lord and walk out the calling He had placed on her life.  And God, in His great love and faithfulness, continued to remind her that He had chosen her for this assignment, that He saw her, and that He would bless her because she had said yes to His calling on her life.

          I began to realize that I too, had been treasuring and pondering all the people, moments, and encounters with God that brought our Hayden home to our arms.  It has not been an easy journey, but God has graciously given me treasures to ponder that have carried me through the difficult moments. These treasures have made my heart so full!  They are God’s fingerprints on my life and evidence that He has written this story perfectly.  Every detail is crafted by him with purpose, love, and destiny as its driving forces.  This overwhelms me with love for my precious Heavenly Father!  My heart gives glory and honor to Him alone for the beautiful story He has written.  Here are just a few of those treasures.

          One of the first treasures of this story is our precious friends Mark and Buffi Young and their beautiful family.  Without them I would have never met Hayden.  It was when I traveled to China with them and their children to adopt their youngest son that I met Hayden for the first time, and God touched my heart with a maternal love for him.  They have been a constant support and encouragement to Frank and I and our family as we have now walked out the adoption journey twice.  They are truly friends who stick closer than a brother.  I can’t begin to express how much we love them and how much they mean to us!

          Then there is Doug and Janice and their beautiful daughter Sarah.  I met them the first time 3 ½ years ago on that trip to China.  I knew as soon as I met them that they were so special and would be a part of my life forever.  I so admired them for leaving the western world behind to minister to orphans in China with severe medical special needs.  They are truly moved by the love of God and willing to do anything He calls them to do.  Three and a half years ago I did not know that they and their staff would lovingly care for our son until God in his perfect timing would bring him home.  I am so very thankful for these treasures!  We had time to get to know them more while we were in China this time, and they will forever be a part of our family.  We love them so much.

          Another treasure is our amazing church family. I love them all more that words can express!  I am so thankful that God has placed our family in a church family of such amazing, godly people.  They continuously lifted us up in prayer as we fought our way through paperwork and adoption expenses to bring Hayden home.  They have encouraged and supported us every step of the way.  They stocked our fridge and freezer and tummies with wonderful meals when we arrived home so we could focus on helping Hayden adjust and find our new normal with our family.

          The amazing people that Frank works with are also treasures.  They have given us so much encouragement and support through this process.  They bought a ton of gourmet caramel apples that we made as a fundraiser to bring Hayden home, sent a huge goody basket to us when we arrived home, and have prayed for us and loved Hayden from the beginning. 

          Our family, oh, how we love them!  They have loved and prayed for us and Hayden every step of the way.  They have held us up in their hearts as we walked through every challenge and delay.  They have celebrated every step closer to bringing our sweet boy home, and have loved him as their own from the moment they knew he would one day officially be a Bohlinger.

          As we walked out this difficult journey, God has been so faithful to provide us with people and moments to treasure, all confirming that Hayden is destined for our family.  In the next few paragraphs, I am going to be very transparent. What I am about to write hurts my heart and makes me cry, but even in the midst of all the hurt, God gave me treasures to reassure me that I was on the path He set me.  Often, the right path, the path of destiny, is not the easy or comfortable one.  It hurts to be stretched beyond what we thought we were capable of.    

It is hard adopting.  It is hard adopting a child with special needs.  It is hard to take that call of destiny from God without feeling heaviness.  For me, it is so far beyond the “comfort zone”.  When God called us to this destiny, I could not help but wonder “God, what are You doing?  What is your plan?”  Honestly, I have moments every day where I still wonder, but I am seeing His perfect plan unfold, and it is all HIM!  It is so far beyond me, and it is so beautiful!

This trip to China was heavy and hard to walk through.  You do not see people or children with obvious special needs in China.  They are there, but they are hidden away so as not to burden society with their presence.  Very little is handicap accessible there, reminding you that any “abnormality” is a burden.  On adoption day this time, we didn’t get the usual question, “You like baby?”  No, this time we got a look of disdain, and the questions, “Why do you want him? Do you know what is wrong with him?” 

First I just stared in disbelief.  Then I wanted to vomit. I was so angry I trembled and tears welled up in my eyes.  I wanted to scream, “Because God said he is mine and I love him! Because he is sweet and loving and his laugh is contagious! And there is nothing wrong with him; it is you that has something wrong! You are the one who is broken!” I looked desperately into Frank’s eyes.  He knew the momma lion was about to surface.  He gave me the “I will handle this just stay calm” look.  I don’t remember what he said to the adoption official, but it answered the official question and we signed on the dotted line and left with our sweet, frightened son. 

That night as we kissed his sweet face goodnight, he snuggled into his little bed at the end of our bed and fell fast asleep.  Frank and I just listened to his sweet breathing and cried.  How could anyone not see how amazing this little boy is?  How could the world go on without ever hearing him laugh?  How could our lives ever have been complete without him?  What if we had said, “No”?  What if we had looked at this call of destiny from God and said, “No, God, this is more that we can handle.  We aren’t up for this assignment, just give us comfortable”? 

Yes, it is hard.  Yes, there is a long road ahead for him and us, a road full of adjustment, therapy, doctors’ visits, and things we can’t begin to foresee; but what if the road ahead of us was void of the treasures of Hayden’s laugh, smile, hugs, and successes?  Empty comfort would be the road ahead of us without Hayden.  We clung to each other, cried, and prayed, “God, you are so good!  That you would choose us to love and be loved by this amazing little boy is beyond our human comprehension! We can’t imagine what You have planned or what this life and destiny is going to look like, but we know you are in it!  And we want it! We want it all!  The joy, the pain, the triumph, and the heartache, if it is from You, if it is part of Your plan, then we want it all!  Hold us; hold our family; make us look like the picture You have in Your mind, not like the one we had in mind!”

          Oh how the sweet presence of our Heavenly Father wrapped around us enfolding us is His perfect love.  There are no words to describe the feeling of Father’s love and reassurance that He has you in His arms, but I know it is all I want in this life.  If I have nothing else, if my life never is easy or comfortable, if it never looks how I imagined it to look, all I want and need is HIM, HIS PRESENCE, HIS ARMS HOLDING ME AND MY FAMILY, and HIS DESTINY! 

          I gained yet another treasure to ponder that night: an encounter with God, confirming His call and destiny not just for me, but for Frank as well.  I have never loved my sweet husband more than now.  To see him seek the destiny of God even when it is hard, to see him yield and surrender to our Heavenly Father’s will, and to see him let go of everything this world says is easy and best and sink into the love of God so deep that he would hold my hand and walk on water with me because our Lord called us out of the boat of comfortable, makes my heart feel as though it will burst.  Frank is another of the treasures I will forever ponder in my heart.  He is the rock of our family, because he is fully surrendered to our Rock and Savior.  Oh, how I love them both!

          I have no idea what this is all going to look like at the end of my days, but I have a peace that never leaves even in the chaos of every day and in the hard moments that are surely yet to come. I know my Heavenly Father not only holds each moment, but He holds me.  My Lord has called me out of the boat of familiar and comfortable, and I am going to keep walking toward Him.  I can’t wait to see all He is about to do!  I ache to see the picture He is going to paint in the life of our family and wait with great anticipation to read more of the beautiful story He is writing for Hayden and all of us.  And along the way, I will gather the treasures He gives to remind me that I am in line with His perfect plan, and I will ponder them when the path is rough and the sea of life rages. I am in awe of my Heavenly Father! He is so good and faithful!  His great love is beyond my comprehension!   

          

6 Years.......

As I began writing this, I was thinking that this really isn’t part of our current adoption story, but the more I wrote the more I realized that it is.  This is the first time I have shared this complete story.  I feel it is time to share it because I need to remind myself that God showed up in the midst of a pain so great it could have crushed me, if not for His Hand.

          Six years ago today, I experienced one of the most painful moments of my life.  It was a beautiful day, much like this one.  It was cool, breezy and sunny.  Our family had just returned from a wonderful vacation to Disney World with my parents and my sister.  It had been an amazing trip.  My parents had returned back to our home in Alabama a few days after us, as they had stayed a couple extra days in Florida to see friends they had not seen in over 20 years. 

          Daddy had made his “famous” oatmeal for breakfast, and I had gotten the children started on their school work.  Momma was going to help them with it while Daddy and I worked on our van in the garage.  He headed out there before me, and I didn’t understand it then, but I remember having such a sense of urgency to get out there with him.  I have always loved working on cars, snowmobiles, dune buggies, etc. with my dad.  I have done it since I was a little girl.  I have always loved the smell of oil, gasoline, and engines.  But even more I have always loved working on stuff with my dad.  To just be with him and talk with him was such a treat.  I threw on my work clothes and headed out to the garage.

          We only worked about an hour and everything was good to go.  We chatted the entire time about everything under the sun.  As we started cleaning up Daddy walked around the far side of the van and I was standing on the opposite side near the front.  He said something funny, and I laughed and joked back, and he didn’t say anything else.  This struck me as odd so I looked over at him.  He had just bent over to pick up a wrench and as he stood back up, his eyes closed and he seemed to sway and loose his balance. I darted around the front of the van just in time to catch him as he fell.  As I lay him on the floor of the garage he was unconscious.  I flung open the door to the house and yelled for my mom to call 911, all the time thinking, “This is not happening.  It is not real.  I will wake up from this nightmare.”  But I didn’t. 

My nurse instincts kicked in.  I checked for a pulse, none. He wasn’t breathing.  I began CPR.  I could hear my mom standing in the doorway behind me on the phone talking to 911.  She was frantic.  All I could do was count chest compressions and breaths.  At one point I heard her say, let me have you talk to my daughter.  I took the phone for a second.  The lady on the other side was sweet, but was trying to ask me questions I didn’t have time to answer.  I had to keep counting and doing breaths and chest compressions.   I cut her off, told her I was a nurse, and told her we needed an ambulance NOW.  I gave her the address as I continued to work and slid the phone back across the garage floor to my mom.  I kept listening for sirens, praying someone was coming.  I was shaking from head to toe, but I kept working.  I shake with adrenaline even now as I type this.

Then it happened.  He opened his eyes.  Momma was sitting at his head still on the phone with the sweet 911 lady.  I stopped.  He looked into my eyes.  He stared so intently as if he wanted to say something important. Then he took one last deep, labored breath closed his eyes and relaxed.  I remember hearing someone scream, “NO! Not now, not today!  It’s not time!”

I went back to work, with a realization that that voice I had heard was mine, but I just kept working, counting breaths and compressions.  I was not going to lose my dad today.  I was going to fight! Thoughts began tumbling through my mind.  He was a boxer, a real fighter.  He had taught me to never give up.  He had taught me that the right thing to do was never the easy thing to do.  He had taught me that even though the odds are against you and the opponent has you out sized, you fight to the end and either win or go down swinging.  So I fought.  I worked harder than I ever had at any moment in my life.  So hard in fact that the next day I discovered that I had rubbed all the skin off both of my knees kneeling on the garage floor doing CPR.  I hadn’t felt a thing.

And I prayed!  I prayed like never before.  I declared life over my dad, in Jesus’s precious and powerful name.  Scriptures about life tumbled out of me as prayers.  Then the first responder arrived.  He seemed to be moving so slow.  I am sure he wasn’t, but I needed him to take charge, and he didn’t.  He handed me a bag and mask to blow breath into my dad’s lungs and attached an AED.  When he turned the AED on I heard it say, “Shockable Rhythm.”  I looked down to see my dad’s left hand and watch resting against a dog crate that was touching the freezer.  I heard the AED counting down and all I could imagine was the shock traveling though his body, into the metal dog crate, through the metal freezer, and into the outlet the freezer was plugged into.  I grabbed the crate and tossed it through the door into the entry way of the house.  I turned in time to see the AED shock my dad.  I prayed.  This was it.  It was all over.  He was going to be back.  I just knew it.

But then I heard it. “Shockable rhythm.  Recharging.”   I looked at the first responder in shock and dismay.  I think I mumbled, “This isn’t happening. Not today.”  He started compressions and I started breaths.

The AED again announce an impending shock.  We cleared away.  I watched and prayed.  Then I heard the words I was dreading, “Not a shockable rhythm.”  I prayed; I declared life over my dad and I worked.  I remember telling the first responder that his compressions needed to be deeper.  I wasn’t being mean or rude, but I was in this fight to win, and we were going to do this the best we could as long as I had anything to do with it.  He looked disgusted at me and I said, “You don’t understand.  This is my daddy!”  We kept working.  The AED never again said those hoped for words, “Shockable rhythm.”

The ambulance arrived, and I backed off.  The EMTs took their place over my dad, and I suddenly became the daughter, not the nurse.  The prayers poured from my heart.  Every cell of my body cried out to God.

They loaded him in the ambulance, but didn’t leave. My mind knew it was bad, but I wouldn’t stop fighting.  My dad would never have stopped fighting for me, so I was in this fight to the end.  I knelt on the driveway in front of the ambulance and prayed.  Then I felt it.  The breeze stopped and everything was quiet.  Time seemed to stand still.  I have felt the presence of God before, but not like this.  I still wrestle with words to adequately describe what I felt.  There was a warm peace that settled over me.  I was quiet.  I had no words.  It was a weighty presence, but it didn’t crush me.  It lifted me to my feet.  I quit trembling.

I felt God’s presence leave and the breeze seemed to return.  I knew deep in my heart He had taken Daddy home.  My mind said it couldn’t be, but deep in my heart I knew.  The peace stayed settled over me.  The ambulance driver climbed out of the back and came toward me.  He looked into my eyes and told me they were taking Daddy to Athens.  The final thing he said to me was, “Don’t try to keep up with me.”  As he jumped into the driver’s seat and backed out of the driveway, mom came from the house carrying her purse.  She must have run in when they put daddy in the ambulance.  I ran into the house.  There were my wide eyed children.  Looking to me for hope and peace, but my mind was a whirl wind.  I choked out the word, “Pray”.

As I jumped in the car I called Frank, and then my cousin Krista.  Krista headed over to be with my babies, and Frank left work calling on people to pray as he drove with his flashers on the usual 45 minutes from Huntsville to Athens.

I got behind the wheel of moms car and drove to Athens.  Mom looked at me and asked, “How bad is this?”  My nurse brain knew, my heart knew, but my daughter’s heart choked out the words, “It’s bad, but this is Daddy.  He is fighter.”  I tried telling myself that they will get meds in him.  His heart will come back. They will med-flight him to Huntsville, and Frank will have one of the cardiac interventionalists or surgeons ready to put in a stent or do bypass.   

I drove the 10 minutes to Athens Hospital, parked the car, and walked into the ER holding my sweet momma’s hand.  She sounded so strong as she gave the receptionist at the desk my dad’s name.  She sounded like a fighter.  They ushered us into an office in the back.  My nurse brain shouted silently, “NO! This is where you put families who lose a loved one.  Not on my watch!  Not today! This is my daddy we are talking about!  We will be at his side in no time.”

Mom and I looked silently at each other.  I opened my mouth to pray, but all that came from my lips was a soft cry.  It came from deep within me.  It brought me back to that peace that God had left with me.  The doctor walked in.  He was so kind.  I could see the pain in his face as he looked down into my momma’s hopeful face.  He offered to continue to work, but explained that there had been no response.  Deep within me I heard the Lord whisper, “He is already with me.  There is no life left in his body.”

Momma must have heard the same thing in her heart.  She squared her little shoulders, looked kindly into the doctors eyes, and said, “It’s ok.  He is gone.”  The doctor told us he would be right back to take us in to see daddy. 

When it was time, we went silently into his room with tears streaming down our faces.  Momma looked at Daddy’s work worn hands.  They were still greasy from working on the van.  A gentle smile softened her pained expression as she whispered, “Well Butch, you got what you wanted.  You died with greasy hands.”

Yes, Daddy died the way he lived.  Working hard.  Taking care of his girls.  He was a fighter.  We worked harder than any person I have ever known.  A furious love burned deep in his heart: a love that propelled him to always fight for the little guy, protect and care for his girls, help anyone that needed it, and do the right thing even though it may be the hardest thing to do. 

There was a flurry of amazing friends and family that supported us and helped us to stand as we walked out the gut wrenching weeks ahead.  They were God’s tangible hugs of support that carried us when we couldn’t stand.

As time passed that first year and the numbness of grief began to subside, we felt the seed of adoption that God had planted deep in our hearts years ago, when our precious niece Mackenzie had passed away, begin to grow.  It had been cultivated and watered in the grief and pain of losing Daddy.  We began to look at our lives and ask, “Are we living like he lived, consumed by the furious love of our Heavenly Father that would cause us to fight for the ones less fortunate, drop whatever we were doing to help someone out, fight for what was right even if it looked like we might lose, and do the right thing even if it was the most difficult choice?”  And so our adoption journey began.

Now today, as I am feeling battle weary from this adoption process and remembering how hard this day was 6 years ago, I am choosing to remember who my earthly Daddy was and who my Heavenly Daddy is.  I will love with a furious, passionate love that will cause me to fight for the weak ones, stop my plans for my life to help someone in need, and do the right thing even when it is painfully hard.  I will rest peacefully in the presence of my Mighty God who will never leave me in the midst of the raging storms of life. I will lean into Him and the perfect peace only He can bring.  I will hide in the shelter of His wings as He fights for me.  And in Christ alone, I will fight the battles set before me and love with a furious, all-consuming love.

From Insufficiency to a Handful of Rocks

            I have begun this blog post several times and then deleted it.  I struggle to express what is in my heart.  Sometimes there are not words. I wrote it several weeks ago and have been changing it each time I read it.  I am not sure if my words can adequately express all God is doing in my heart during this season.  Each day He is doing more and continuing to grow me.  I am sure once I post it, there will be things I will want to change the next day.

          Each adoption journey is unique and this one has been different from the last for me.  Some things have been easier, because I know what to expect, but there have been some unexpected things that have caused me to run after God like never before.  Being outside of my comfort zone will always do that! I think my Heavenly Father knows that, and that is right where He wants me to be!

A couple months ago, I found myself completely overwhelmed and crying out to God. Actually, I was beyond overwhelmed and sinking very quickly into the waves of “Oh my goodness, I can’t do this; this is so far beyond me it is going to swallow me whole, and I will never find my way out and back to any semblance of normal ever again!” 

Much like the Apostle Peter when he jumped out of the boat to walk on water when the Lord called to him, I had started this adoption journey with gusto.  I had jumped out of the boat of the normal routine of life and found myself once again out on the lake of the adoption journey.  I was familiar with the waves of paperwork and governmental red tape between two countries.  I was familiar with the winds of everyday chaos in a house with 4 homeschool children.  But then the big waves hit and the wind really picked up.

As the school year began to come to a close and the graduation of our oldest loomed right before me, things began to get stirred up big time.  I had no idea that his impending graduation required me to act not only as adoring parent but as high school counselor as well.  I would never have made it without our amazing homeschool director, Michele, and my dear friend Laurel, who had bravely walked through graduating two of her children in recent years and made it appear as though anyone could do it.  These ladies are truly two of my heroes. On top of these unexpected demands, for some reason my girls needed more time and academic attention, and everyone in the house seemed to need more emotional attention from mom.  I have no idea why! Maybe it was just all the craziness in the house and that my attention seemed to always be on adoption stuff or graduation stuff.  Either way they needed me.  My days spiraled out of control and I felt like I could never get all the “have to’s” done or give any of my children what they really needed.  I just was not enough.  I couldn’t do it.  And then the big waves hit. 

We began to get some updates on our sweet Hayden and his special needs.  The autism, sensory issues, speech issues, and some other things that we weren’t really expecting hit me in one big wave.  I took one look at myself, all the craziness around me, all the things currently being demanded of me, and all the what ifs of what Hayden was going to need of me when he comes home, and I started to sink.  Yep, I was going down.  There was just no way I could do it. Period.

That’s where I was one morning a few months ago, alone in the early morning quiet of a house still full of sleeping children.  Sinking and sobbing and crying out to God as I felt the wind and waves of life engulf me.  I slowly began to flip back through the pages of my journal.  My tears were making it hard to read at times, but then I started to see it.  Over and over again I had written this prayer, “God let there be more of YOU and less of me.”  Then I heard the whisper of my gentle, loving, and patient Heavenly Father, “Sweetheart, for there to be more of ME and less of you, I have to take you beyond you.” For the first time in months, I had peace. It filled my soul and mind and wrapped around me like a blanket.

His voice was not condemning or judging me.  He did not ask me why I couldn’t do it all or chastise me for running on ahead into what if’s of the future, and not holding His hand in today.  No, He lovingly reminded me that He had called me out of the boat fully aware of the storm to come.  He knew of the wind and waves to come way back at the beginning of my journey out onto the water to meet Him. And He alone knows of all the future wind, waves, and storms.  He had not stopped walking toward me even when I got distracted and disoriented and began to think I had to manage this storm of life on my own.  Even though I had lost sight of Him behind the waves of the awareness of my insufficiency, He had not lost sight of me.  He was with me the whole time!  I didn’t have to be sufficient for this storm or any other that might come, because HE IS!  He had called me out here to walk with Him, because I had asked Him too.  I wanted, and still want, to know life that is all Him and far beyond me.  I just got confused and somehow started to think I had to manage it on my own.  I am not sure how I got distracted, or how I came to that place.  I intended to walk out to Him on the water, completely focused on Him.  I really did!  I didn’t even realize my focus had shifted until that morning when I sank into the tears of my insufficiency. 

Then He began to show me how He had been there all along.  All my life my Heavenly Father has been with me preparing me for this now moment.  He wastes nothing.  Just as these moments are not just for today, they are preparing me for moments in the future, moments that thankfully I cannot begin to imagine or comprehend now, when I will be able to look back and say, “God was in this.  Look what He has done!”  

So the last few months the Lord has lead me on a pondering journey.  One where He has been showing me moments from my past that He has ordained or walked with me through to bring me to now, so that I could become more aware of His sufficiency.  For example, the years during nursing school that both Frank and I worked at a respite center for special needs children and adults.  It was not just coincidence that I saw the help wanted sign on the bulletin board in the nursing building at Grand Valley State University. It was God.  I have no idea how long it was posted, but I was the only one to reply to it.  Once I started working there I fell in love with the children and adults there and convinced Frank he needed to work their too! They were thrilled to have a guy to help with some of the adult guests.  And then God did this amazing thing in both of our hearts.  We both fell in love with the guests that frequented the respite center!  We really loved working there!  The money wasn’t great, and it was in an “interesting” part of town, but we loved it!  Another example is when we have struggled by our children’s sides, and continue to struggle some days, with dyslexia and learning difficulties.  Through those experiences and years of occupational therapy we have gained not only insight but an amazing OT friend, Denise, who also happens to specialize in autism and sensory issues.  There are so many more moments, but you get the idea.  All God!  Every moment! So that in this moment, He could point me back and say, “See, I have never left.  I have been orchestrating each moment to bring you to now.  Each moment is a gift with my fingerprint on it so that in this moment when you feel so far beyond yourself, you can see I have been there, and I always will be, preparing you and equipping you for the destiny I have planned for you and the battles you will need to fight to get there.”

Honestly, I have been processing and pondering all this for months.  I am still working on wrapping my brain around it all, but a month ago, I feel as though God began to open the floodgates of understanding for me.  As I attended our church’s annual women’s conference, I drew in what several speakers had to say and, you might say, the light bulb came on.  One dynamic woman of God shared about the widow who had only a little flour and oil left and was going to make some bread for her and her son and then die because of the famine.  When Elijah asked her to make him some bread she had a choice.  She could eat what she had and die, or she could hold it with an open hand, sow it into the call of God on her life, and never run out, always have enough, and not just survive, but thrive! Now, she didn’t know in advance the effect her obedience would have.  She had to step out in faith and give all that she had to the Lord first before she became completely aware of all the blessings God had in store for her.  She could have missed it.  If she had held on tight and focused more on the little she had in her hand than on how big her God was.   Light Bulb! I was doing that.  I was so focused on how little there was of me, I had missed out on giving all of me and the moments of my life that had brought me to now to God and letting Him make it enough.  Again, I hadn’t meant to.  That wasn’t my intention, but when the storm of life howled, I mistakenly thought that holding on to the little I had was going to save me.  Nope.  I am definitely not enough to get through this storm or any other with the little I have to offer. I need God to make it more.

Another speaker made a seemingly simple statement but one that rocked my world, “God doesn’t respond to whining, He responds to faith.”  She shared how finally Hannah got out of her self-pity and remembered who her God was.  When she got out of her pity and into the power of God, her prayer became one of faith and power.  God wove this message together with a song he had been using to minister to my spirit, Giants Fall.  Again, I was looking at only the small things in my hand that I possessed. I believed that what I had wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t looking at them in faith, I was looking at them and whining, “God it’s not enough.  I am not enough. Oh, woe is me!”   What if David had looked at the stones God had had him gather and said, “God this isn’t enough.  I am not equipped. I give up.”  Light bulb!  Yep, that’s what I was doing.  I was looking at the stones, all those moments of preparation that God was in, all the “weapons” God had given me, and I was whining and saying they weren’t enough.  And guess what! On my own, the way I was trying to use them, they were definitely not enough, but anointed and empowered in prayers of faith, not whining, but remembering who my God is, how awesome He is, and how He has orchestrated each moment to bring me here, wasting nothing, those little things I held in my hand became giant slayers! 

So here I am in this moment. Focusing my eyes on my Lord, offering Him back all the moments of my life that have brought me here, for Him to use through me to bring destiny into my life and my son’s life and to take down the giants of medical diagnosis, sensory issues, and many other things trying to rob Hayden of his destiny and me of mine.  What amazes me is that once my focus shifted back to how great my God is, and to how He has placed things in my hand to offer back to Him, filled with faith, I no longer feel like I am drowning.  I feel ready to walk on water, holding His hand of course, and ready to fight the giants with the stones He has given me. 

Another wonderful speaker made this statement, “We are not fighting for victory; we are fighting FROM victory! HE HAS ALREADY WON!”  I am not exactly sure how I ended up drowning in the pity of my own insufficiency.  Lies of the enemy perhaps, or my own pride maybe (ouch, that hurts).  But I am so thankful my loving Heavenly Father didn’t leave me there.  He reached down, met me where I was, lovingly picked me up and dusted me off and is helping me start again with the understanding that HE IS ALL-SUFFICIENT and HE HAS ALREADY WON! All I need to do is focus on Him, not me, and surrender all He has given me, back to Him and He will provide beyond my comprehension and take down any giant who dares to come against the one and only true God and the destiny He has planned for His children.  HE HAS ALREADY WON AND HE IS SUFFICIENT!