A Birthday Now and Then

This past weekend has been wrought with a broad range of emotions for me.  Some of which I struggle to put into words and only tears can express.  It was truly a weekend of intense joy as we celebrated Zoe's 3rd birthday on September 13, our first with her.  She was so precious as she smiled brightly and said, "Like presents! Like birthday! Like cake!" She doesn't know it, but we liked giving her those things even more that she liked receiving them.  In the midst of all the joy and celebration, this was also a weekend of remembrance as my mind automatically wandered back to last year and the preceding 2 years, which brings those nameless emotions surging to my consciousness and tears streaming down my face.

 

Last year on September 13, 2013, we knew there was a sweet little girl on the other side of the world waiting to join our family and whom was already ours in our hearts.  It was her 2nd birthday.  The second she had spent in an orphanage.  We sent her a birthday cake and presents, likely her first ever, and were thrilled to receive pictures of her with her cake and presents and pictures of ourselves that we had sent her.  None of that however, pacified the physical ache I felt in my heart and arms to hold her and tell her she was loved and that I would forever be her mommy and she my Princess Zoe.  (We had just named her Zoe, 2 weeks prior to her birthday.)  It was with this constant ache that we made a birthday coffee cake to eat for breakfast hoping that just maybe, since it was afternoon in China, we might be celebrating her birthday at the same time she was receiving her cake and gifts on the other side of the world. 

Following this sullen celebration, I left for our church's annual women's conference.  I felt so empty and broken, knowing that my baby didn't know how special this day, her birth, was to me, and that I was celebrating her life and so wanted to whisper words of love and life into her precious little ear.  Oh, and to touch and hold her!  Could anything in the world feel better?  As I sat in a room filled with hundreds of women, many of whom were some of my most precious friends, I felt so alone in this consuming pain.  Shouldn't I be excited that today was her birthday?  Yet as I swallowed the gigantic lump in my throat, I could barely breath over the ache in my chest to hold my darling girl.  I could only sob during worship.  My wordless pain and tears poured out onto my Heavenly Father's shoulder as He wrapped me in His arms, was all I could offer as praise.  He was the only one I could trust with this pain so heavy and deep I did not have words to express it.  His warm presence of peace overwhelmed me as I sobbed. Slowly my heart was soothed, and I was able to listen and focus as Pastor Leisa Neslon began to speak on "Living Life Now".  She was defining the different words used in the Bible for the word life.  Then it happened!  She really said it! "The definition of Zoe Life is God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!"  I nearly fell out of my chair!  Really!  I stopped breathing for a minute.  My Heavenly Father had met me right where I was in that moment, in a way that I could receive His love through my pain!  He called out my baby's name and defined who she is right then and there! She is God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life!  She is marked and sealed by The King of Kings for a destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life!  She is not an orphan!  She has a family!  She will never spend another day without a family!  She is our precious gift from God!  I decided in that moment, that in spite of the ache in my heart and tears in my eyes, I would celebrate the beautiful life and blessing God had promised and had given me even though I could not yet touch it and hold it in my arms.  I had to trust that some day He would fulfill His promise to me, and I would hold my precious Zoe. I could have joy in the midst of this pain.  My hands shook as I texted my Pastor.   I had to tell someone!  All I could say was, "We named her Zoe!"  She knew what I meant.  "Praise the Lord!!!!" was her heart felt response.  Our Father is so faithful!  He sees His children.  We are never too buried in our pain for Him to reach us.  We just have to surrender it to Him, and be ready when He meets us right in the middle of it.

As I celebrated this birthday with Zoe, all I could hear in my heart was, "He has turned my mourning into dancing!" Oh, yes He has!!!!  I can hold my precious gift, and whisper words of love and life in her ear.  I can speak her destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life in her ear, and someday she will fully understand.  For now, she just repeats those words back to me, because she knows they make me smile, but someday she will speak them with power, authority, and conviction.  They will come to her quickly then, when she needs them most, because we have rehearsed them in her innocence.  My heart imagines the smile of our Heavenly Father as she speaks those words.  I can just see Him!  She will not be defined by the words of man; she will not be defined by medical reports.  She will only be defined by the words of her Heavenly Father!

In truth, I revisited the pain of that day this weekend.  The tears again flowed freely from my eyes, and I felt the ache to have held her on her past birthdays and the day of her birth, but yet this time there was understanding. My God is a God who fulfills His promises.  He ordains life and creates families.  The contrast of the two days, only a year apart cause me to marvel at the greatness and love of my Heavenly Father.  To have walked a valley of such deep, wordless pain makes the mountain top of joy so much more beautiful.  That pain was not wasted.  It was for Kingdom Purpose.  He has used it, and will continue to use it to bring Glory to Himself!  Our Father is so faithful!  I can not praise Him enough for the miracle of Zoe!

 

 



 

This outpouring of praise and thankfulness always causes me to remember my Zoe's precious birth mother.  I imagine she now carries the wordless pain and ache that I carried a year ago.  I am sure she wonders where her precious baby is and hopes she is safe and loved.  I know she loves Zoe.  For 11 months she cared for her and loved her before surrendering her to the care of an orphanage in hopes that her medical needs would be addressed.  I can see her love in my Zoe's eyes of love. I can feel it in Zoe's eagerness to give and receive love and affection.  So I choose again to take up that pain and ache, but this time to carry it in prayer for the precious, nameless woman on the other side of the world who lovingly gave me my sweet baby.  May our Heavenly Father meet her in her pain and lovingly comfort and soothe her.  May He reveal to her in the quietness of her heart that her little one is safe and loved and living the life He destined for her.  May she too live a life of God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!

TO GOD BE ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND PRAISE!

6 Months: Milestones and Precious Moments

It is hard to believe that 6 months ago, sweet Zoe toddled into my arms and captured my heart forever.  There are times it feels like yesterday, but then at the same time it feels as though she has been ours forever.

 This was taken shortly after Zoe became ours.

 

She has grown and changed so much in 6 short months.  She is 4 inches taller and 5 pounds heavier than the day we first held her in our arms.  She can identify every letter of the alphabet, climb ANYTHING, and say a number of English phases that just make us smile.  She is smart and funny and full of love and life.  She is a fighter and does not let anything slow her down or stop her, and yet she loves hugs and kisses and snuggles and is gentle and kind.  Just last night, for the first time, she let me rock her before bed for half an hour with her sweet head against my chest just listening to my heart beat.  This is huge progress as she has preferred to self comfort by cuddling her blanket at bed time and would ask me to put her into bed as soon as we were done singing and saying prayers.  My heart was just bursting with Joy I was so happy!

 

 Baby Dedication at our church.



Medically, Zoe has been making huge strides as well.  We have been to see a number of specialists and it seems as though there are new appointments and tests every day.  Although she is healthy, there are still some things she needs to have addressed.  She is currently wearing a brace for scoliosis for 18-20 hours daily.  She adjusted to it quickly and does not seem to mind it much.  The cranio-facial specialist has decided to give her a year of good nutrition before considering doing anything regarding her open cranium.  The genetics doctor is still doing a number of genetics studies, but is thrilled with her progress.  The pulmonologist also feels she is doing well and is content to just watch her.  We find the shock of all these doctors at how well Zoe is doing quite amusing at times.  We know we serve an awesome God who has great plans for her, and is healing her precious little body right before our eyes!  She has upcoming appointments with an ENT, Speech, and Audiology specialists as well as other tests, but we know that God is faithful, and that each specialist and test only reveals how great our God is and the miracle He is performing in our sweet Zoe.

 

Our Miracle Girl!

 



We believe with all our heart that sweet Zoe was destined by God to be our sweet girl before we ever knew her.  But to be honest, the journey has been difficult at times. It was hard when she seemed more comforted by her blanket that when I would hold her.  It was heartbreaking when she would cry out in her sleep for her foster brother.  It truly crushed my heart the days that I could see in her face that she was angry with me and would cry when I would try to hold her or soothe her.  But through it all God is so faithful!  He is healing her heart and we are past all of these things.

 

 

Along the way, in the difficult times God has given us moments of reassurance that indeed Zoe was always meant to be ours.  Frank's mom has made all the grandchildren beautiful knitted blankets.  When we asked her to make one for Zoe, she was unsure if she would be able to do so as the arthritis in her hands had grown worse since the last time she made a "grandma blanket".  We were sad but understood completely.  One day as she was looking for the blanket pattern to pass on to Frank's sister, she discovered that several years ago she had made a beautiful green "grandma blanket" and had set it aside and completely forgot about it.  She brought it to Zoe as a surprise when they came for a visit in April.  This completely wrecked me.  Only God could align all these "coincidences"!  A beautiful green (which means life) "grandma blanket" for our sweet Zoe (which means life) that was made by Grandma Bohlinger years before Zoe was even born!

First snuggle with her "grandma blanket."

Another precious moment was given to us on Madeline's birthday.  We had a little craft project for all the little girls to do.  It involved making picture frames using old buttons that had belonged to my Grandma Suchin. When she passed I inherited her button bag.  As the girls were sorting through buttons for their frames,  one sweet little girl was showing me some of the beautiful buttons she had found.  There was one she brought to my attention that brought tears to my eyes and rendered me speechless.  There in her hand was an ancient Chinese coin similar to ones had we had seen in a museum in Zoe's province!  I asked her  I could keep that button, and she smiled and said, "sure".  Again, only God could give my grandmother a piece of Chinese money similar to what we would see in Zoe's province, most-likely years before I was even born!  These moments confirm over and over in my heart that Zoe was destined to be our daughter from before time began.  His plans are perfect!



THE COIN!!!

 



There is no way I can express all the things in my heart.  I am overwhelmed at God's love and His  amazing plans for our family.  We all are daily blessed to have each other, and that He brought us together as a family across continents and an ocean.  To Him be all Glory and Praise!

What a Whirlwind!

I am officially the worst blogger (self professed) on the planet.  I often intend to sit down and blog, but when the opportunity arises, I end up finding what I refer to as a "have-to" that needs to be done.

After what seemed like one delay after the next:

Four months ago tomorrow, on December 9, 2013, our sweet Zoe toddled into my arms, and life has never been the same.  She is such a joy to all of us!  It feels as though she has always been ours. What a precious gift from God!  I am so in awe of all that God has done to bring this precious little one to our family.  I often catch myself just watching her.  I love to see every little thing she does, and every little expression that passes over her precious face.

This was the moment! She recognized us from the pictures we had sent, and she had been so well prepared by her sweet foster mother and nannies, that she began taking steps toward us when we walked in the door.  However, once I saw her, I was across that room and had her in my arms in a millisecond!

I was scared to death when we left the hotel to meet her for the first time.  It still makes me cry thinking back.  My heart still breaks for her.  Her little life was about to be turned upside down.  We knew it was for the best, and all part of God's plan, but my heart just broke for her knowing she would be scared and uncertain of all that was happening.

                                                          This is us leaving the hotel.

You can definitely tell she was worried in this picture.  She was bundled so much she was sweating terribly, but the beautiful Chinese outfit she is wearing will always be a treasure.

         We were thrilled to have her as a Bohlinger, but I am not so sure how she felt about it yet!

Later that evening we finally got our first genuine smile and giggle. It made us all just laugh out loud which made her smile and giggle more.  To be honest, this moment brought my heart so much peace.  I had loved this sweet baby for so long, even before I knew who she was.  I was just aching for her to know we loved her and that she was safe and loved.  She is just amazing.  She is so loving and funny. Her laugh and smile just brightens our world.

Our trip was amazing!  I think we all fell in love with the country and people of China.  We did some local touring in Zoe's province as well as Guangzhou where we spent a week getting paperwork prepared to come home.

My favorite trip was to Zoe's orphanage.  I really do not have words to describe the feelings of being where my sweet baby had spent the past year of her life. I wanted to soak it all in so as to feel as though I had somehow been a part of that year.  I still cry when I look at this picture of Zoe's foster mother, Zoe, and me.  I love this precious woman so much.  She loved my baby for me until I could get there.  Every time Zoe gives hugs and kisses and snuggles, which she does often, I think of this precious lady.  Without her tender love, my sweet Zoe would not be as loving and affectionate as she is.

It has been a time of adjustments for sure.  But we were so well prepared by our amazing agency, that we have been able to celebrate challenges and each new stage we have encountered.  She has grown so much in just a few months.  It is overwhelmingly wonderful to experience new things with her.  I love this picture of Frank teaching her how to lick the spatula after making cookie dough.  This is an essential skill around our house!

To our knowledge, this was the first snow she was ever out in.  She did not want to put her little snowball down when it was time to come in, and was terribly surprised when it melted quickly in her hand.  This picture is very special to me.  She is wearing our niece and God-daughter, Mackenzie's snow suit.  Please read our first post if you would like to know more about Mackenzie and her precious life. I am just in awe of God's faithfulness.  How HE can take our pain and make something so beautiful grow from it never ceases to amaze me.  HE alone receives all GLORY and PRAISE!

Her sisters have taught her to play dress-up, which she loves! 



Her brother is trying to teach her chemistry!  She just loves her brother and sisters.  It doesn't matter what they are doing, she just wants to be a part of it.

 

At this point, Zoe is doing great.  She is growing and thriving and bringing joy to our home every day.  She has grown 2 inches since December and has gained about 3 pounds.  She is bright and curious and loves to climb anything!  We love to hear her trying out new English words. It seem like there are dozens of new ones every day.  Occasionally she will still sing in Chinese, and I will be so sad if this ever stops.  It feels as though when I hear her little Chinese songs I have a window into her little life before she toddled into mine.

 

Zoe has some medical special needs that we knew about and a couple minor ones that were a surprise.  Please join us in praying for her complete and totally healing.  She is seeing a number of physicians and specialists.  The latest development is that she will need to wear a brace for severe scoliosis (we knew about this, just not the severity).  The doctor feels at some point she will need surgery, but we are praying and believing that as she wears this brace and continues to grow and thrive, that God will do a healing miracle in her precious little body.  We know we serve a miracle working God or we would never have made it to China to bring Zoe home.  We know her healing is in His loving and capable hands. 

 

Thank you to all our friends and family for your continued love, encouragement, and prayers.  You are such a blessing to us.