Treasures

          It is such a joy to finally be home with our sweet Hayden!  It seems like it took so long.  I think back to meeting him 3 ½ years ago, and now he is HOME! He will forever be a Bohlinger! My heart is so full it feels about to burst!  GOD IS SO VERY FAITHFUL!!!

          In preparation for this Christmas, I have been spending time reading the accounts of the birth of Jesus in Matthew and Luke and trying to wrap my brain around all that brought the Son of God to Earth that glorious night. My heart continues to be drawn to Luke 2:19 “But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart.” I can only imagine all the people, moments, and God encounters that Mary treasured and pondered in her heart as she looked into the face of her sweet baby, the Savior of the World; each moment and person confirming for her the destiny that the angel of the Lord had set before her.  It was not an easy destiny.  It was one that caused people to talk and look unfavorably at her at times, I am sure.  But she was willing to give all of herself to her Lord and walk out the calling He had placed on her life.  And God, in His great love and faithfulness, continued to remind her that He had chosen her for this assignment, that He saw her, and that He would bless her because she had said yes to His calling on her life.

          I began to realize that I too, had been treasuring and pondering all the people, moments, and encounters with God that brought our Hayden home to our arms.  It has not been an easy journey, but God has graciously given me treasures to ponder that have carried me through the difficult moments. These treasures have made my heart so full!  They are God’s fingerprints on my life and evidence that He has written this story perfectly.  Every detail is crafted by him with purpose, love, and destiny as its driving forces.  This overwhelms me with love for my precious Heavenly Father!  My heart gives glory and honor to Him alone for the beautiful story He has written.  Here are just a few of those treasures.

          One of the first treasures of this story is our precious friends Mark and Buffi Young and their beautiful family.  Without them I would have never met Hayden.  It was when I traveled to China with them and their children to adopt their youngest son that I met Hayden for the first time, and God touched my heart with a maternal love for him.  They have been a constant support and encouragement to Frank and I and our family as we have now walked out the adoption journey twice.  They are truly friends who stick closer than a brother.  I can’t begin to express how much we love them and how much they mean to us!

          Then there is Doug and Janice and their beautiful daughter Sarah.  I met them the first time 3 ½ years ago on that trip to China.  I knew as soon as I met them that they were so special and would be a part of my life forever.  I so admired them for leaving the western world behind to minister to orphans in China with severe medical special needs.  They are truly moved by the love of God and willing to do anything He calls them to do.  Three and a half years ago I did not know that they and their staff would lovingly care for our son until God in his perfect timing would bring him home.  I am so very thankful for these treasures!  We had time to get to know them more while we were in China this time, and they will forever be a part of our family.  We love them so much.

          Another treasure is our amazing church family. I love them all more that words can express!  I am so thankful that God has placed our family in a church family of such amazing, godly people.  They continuously lifted us up in prayer as we fought our way through paperwork and adoption expenses to bring Hayden home.  They have encouraged and supported us every step of the way.  They stocked our fridge and freezer and tummies with wonderful meals when we arrived home so we could focus on helping Hayden adjust and find our new normal with our family.

          The amazing people that Frank works with are also treasures.  They have given us so much encouragement and support through this process.  They bought a ton of gourmet caramel apples that we made as a fundraiser to bring Hayden home, sent a huge goody basket to us when we arrived home, and have prayed for us and loved Hayden from the beginning. 

          Our family, oh, how we love them!  They have loved and prayed for us and Hayden every step of the way.  They have held us up in their hearts as we walked through every challenge and delay.  They have celebrated every step closer to bringing our sweet boy home, and have loved him as their own from the moment they knew he would one day officially be a Bohlinger.

          As we walked out this difficult journey, God has been so faithful to provide us with people and moments to treasure, all confirming that Hayden is destined for our family.  In the next few paragraphs, I am going to be very transparent. What I am about to write hurts my heart and makes me cry, but even in the midst of all the hurt, God gave me treasures to reassure me that I was on the path He set me.  Often, the right path, the path of destiny, is not the easy or comfortable one.  It hurts to be stretched beyond what we thought we were capable of.    

It is hard adopting.  It is hard adopting a child with special needs.  It is hard to take that call of destiny from God without feeling heaviness.  For me, it is so far beyond the “comfort zone”.  When God called us to this destiny, I could not help but wonder “God, what are You doing?  What is your plan?”  Honestly, I have moments every day where I still wonder, but I am seeing His perfect plan unfold, and it is all HIM!  It is so far beyond me, and it is so beautiful!

This trip to China was heavy and hard to walk through.  You do not see people or children with obvious special needs in China.  They are there, but they are hidden away so as not to burden society with their presence.  Very little is handicap accessible there, reminding you that any “abnormality” is a burden.  On adoption day this time, we didn’t get the usual question, “You like baby?”  No, this time we got a look of disdain, and the questions, “Why do you want him? Do you know what is wrong with him?” 

First I just stared in disbelief.  Then I wanted to vomit. I was so angry I trembled and tears welled up in my eyes.  I wanted to scream, “Because God said he is mine and I love him! Because he is sweet and loving and his laugh is contagious! And there is nothing wrong with him; it is you that has something wrong! You are the one who is broken!” I looked desperately into Frank’s eyes.  He knew the momma lion was about to surface.  He gave me the “I will handle this just stay calm” look.  I don’t remember what he said to the adoption official, but it answered the official question and we signed on the dotted line and left with our sweet, frightened son. 

That night as we kissed his sweet face goodnight, he snuggled into his little bed at the end of our bed and fell fast asleep.  Frank and I just listened to his sweet breathing and cried.  How could anyone not see how amazing this little boy is?  How could the world go on without ever hearing him laugh?  How could our lives ever have been complete without him?  What if we had said, “No”?  What if we had looked at this call of destiny from God and said, “No, God, this is more that we can handle.  We aren’t up for this assignment, just give us comfortable”? 

Yes, it is hard.  Yes, there is a long road ahead for him and us, a road full of adjustment, therapy, doctors’ visits, and things we can’t begin to foresee; but what if the road ahead of us was void of the treasures of Hayden’s laugh, smile, hugs, and successes?  Empty comfort would be the road ahead of us without Hayden.  We clung to each other, cried, and prayed, “God, you are so good!  That you would choose us to love and be loved by this amazing little boy is beyond our human comprehension! We can’t imagine what You have planned or what this life and destiny is going to look like, but we know you are in it!  And we want it! We want it all!  The joy, the pain, the triumph, and the heartache, if it is from You, if it is part of Your plan, then we want it all!  Hold us; hold our family; make us look like the picture You have in Your mind, not like the one we had in mind!”

          Oh how the sweet presence of our Heavenly Father wrapped around us enfolding us is His perfect love.  There are no words to describe the feeling of Father’s love and reassurance that He has you in His arms, but I know it is all I want in this life.  If I have nothing else, if my life never is easy or comfortable, if it never looks how I imagined it to look, all I want and need is HIM, HIS PRESENCE, HIS ARMS HOLDING ME AND MY FAMILY, and HIS DESTINY! 

          I gained yet another treasure to ponder that night: an encounter with God, confirming His call and destiny not just for me, but for Frank as well.  I have never loved my sweet husband more than now.  To see him seek the destiny of God even when it is hard, to see him yield and surrender to our Heavenly Father’s will, and to see him let go of everything this world says is easy and best and sink into the love of God so deep that he would hold my hand and walk on water with me because our Lord called us out of the boat of comfortable, makes my heart feel as though it will burst.  Frank is another of the treasures I will forever ponder in my heart.  He is the rock of our family, because he is fully surrendered to our Rock and Savior.  Oh, how I love them both!

          I have no idea what this is all going to look like at the end of my days, but I have a peace that never leaves even in the chaos of every day and in the hard moments that are surely yet to come. I know my Heavenly Father not only holds each moment, but He holds me.  My Lord has called me out of the boat of familiar and comfortable, and I am going to keep walking toward Him.  I can’t wait to see all He is about to do!  I ache to see the picture He is going to paint in the life of our family and wait with great anticipation to read more of the beautiful story He is writing for Hayden and all of us.  And along the way, I will gather the treasures He gives to remind me that I am in line with His perfect plan, and I will ponder them when the path is rough and the sea of life rages. I am in awe of my Heavenly Father! He is so good and faithful!  His great love is beyond my comprehension!   

          

6 Years.......

As I began writing this, I was thinking that this really isn’t part of our current adoption story, but the more I wrote the more I realized that it is.  This is the first time I have shared this complete story.  I feel it is time to share it because I need to remind myself that God showed up in the midst of a pain so great it could have crushed me, if not for His Hand.

          Six years ago today, I experienced one of the most painful moments of my life.  It was a beautiful day, much like this one.  It was cool, breezy and sunny.  Our family had just returned from a wonderful vacation to Disney World with my parents and my sister.  It had been an amazing trip.  My parents had returned back to our home in Alabama a few days after us, as they had stayed a couple extra days in Florida to see friends they had not seen in over 20 years. 

          Daddy had made his “famous” oatmeal for breakfast, and I had gotten the children started on their school work.  Momma was going to help them with it while Daddy and I worked on our van in the garage.  He headed out there before me, and I didn’t understand it then, but I remember having such a sense of urgency to get out there with him.  I have always loved working on cars, snowmobiles, dune buggies, etc. with my dad.  I have done it since I was a little girl.  I have always loved the smell of oil, gasoline, and engines.  But even more I have always loved working on stuff with my dad.  To just be with him and talk with him was such a treat.  I threw on my work clothes and headed out to the garage.

          We only worked about an hour and everything was good to go.  We chatted the entire time about everything under the sun.  As we started cleaning up Daddy walked around the far side of the van and I was standing on the opposite side near the front.  He said something funny, and I laughed and joked back, and he didn’t say anything else.  This struck me as odd so I looked over at him.  He had just bent over to pick up a wrench and as he stood back up, his eyes closed and he seemed to sway and loose his balance. I darted around the front of the van just in time to catch him as he fell.  As I lay him on the floor of the garage he was unconscious.  I flung open the door to the house and yelled for my mom to call 911, all the time thinking, “This is not happening.  It is not real.  I will wake up from this nightmare.”  But I didn’t. 

My nurse instincts kicked in.  I checked for a pulse, none. He wasn’t breathing.  I began CPR.  I could hear my mom standing in the doorway behind me on the phone talking to 911.  She was frantic.  All I could do was count chest compressions and breaths.  At one point I heard her say, let me have you talk to my daughter.  I took the phone for a second.  The lady on the other side was sweet, but was trying to ask me questions I didn’t have time to answer.  I had to keep counting and doing breaths and chest compressions.   I cut her off, told her I was a nurse, and told her we needed an ambulance NOW.  I gave her the address as I continued to work and slid the phone back across the garage floor to my mom.  I kept listening for sirens, praying someone was coming.  I was shaking from head to toe, but I kept working.  I shake with adrenaline even now as I type this.

Then it happened.  He opened his eyes.  Momma was sitting at his head still on the phone with the sweet 911 lady.  I stopped.  He looked into my eyes.  He stared so intently as if he wanted to say something important. Then he took one last deep, labored breath closed his eyes and relaxed.  I remember hearing someone scream, “NO! Not now, not today!  It’s not time!”

I went back to work, with a realization that that voice I had heard was mine, but I just kept working, counting breaths and compressions.  I was not going to lose my dad today.  I was going to fight! Thoughts began tumbling through my mind.  He was a boxer, a real fighter.  He had taught me to never give up.  He had taught me that the right thing to do was never the easy thing to do.  He had taught me that even though the odds are against you and the opponent has you out sized, you fight to the end and either win or go down swinging.  So I fought.  I worked harder than I ever had at any moment in my life.  So hard in fact that the next day I discovered that I had rubbed all the skin off both of my knees kneeling on the garage floor doing CPR.  I hadn’t felt a thing.

And I prayed!  I prayed like never before.  I declared life over my dad, in Jesus’s precious and powerful name.  Scriptures about life tumbled out of me as prayers.  Then the first responder arrived.  He seemed to be moving so slow.  I am sure he wasn’t, but I needed him to take charge, and he didn’t.  He handed me a bag and mask to blow breath into my dad’s lungs and attached an AED.  When he turned the AED on I heard it say, “Shockable Rhythm.”  I looked down to see my dad’s left hand and watch resting against a dog crate that was touching the freezer.  I heard the AED counting down and all I could imagine was the shock traveling though his body, into the metal dog crate, through the metal freezer, and into the outlet the freezer was plugged into.  I grabbed the crate and tossed it through the door into the entry way of the house.  I turned in time to see the AED shock my dad.  I prayed.  This was it.  It was all over.  He was going to be back.  I just knew it.

But then I heard it. “Shockable rhythm.  Recharging.”   I looked at the first responder in shock and dismay.  I think I mumbled, “This isn’t happening. Not today.”  He started compressions and I started breaths.

The AED again announce an impending shock.  We cleared away.  I watched and prayed.  Then I heard the words I was dreading, “Not a shockable rhythm.”  I prayed; I declared life over my dad and I worked.  I remember telling the first responder that his compressions needed to be deeper.  I wasn’t being mean or rude, but I was in this fight to win, and we were going to do this the best we could as long as I had anything to do with it.  He looked disgusted at me and I said, “You don’t understand.  This is my daddy!”  We kept working.  The AED never again said those hoped for words, “Shockable rhythm.”

The ambulance arrived, and I backed off.  The EMTs took their place over my dad, and I suddenly became the daughter, not the nurse.  The prayers poured from my heart.  Every cell of my body cried out to God.

They loaded him in the ambulance, but didn’t leave. My mind knew it was bad, but I wouldn’t stop fighting.  My dad would never have stopped fighting for me, so I was in this fight to the end.  I knelt on the driveway in front of the ambulance and prayed.  Then I felt it.  The breeze stopped and everything was quiet.  Time seemed to stand still.  I have felt the presence of God before, but not like this.  I still wrestle with words to adequately describe what I felt.  There was a warm peace that settled over me.  I was quiet.  I had no words.  It was a weighty presence, but it didn’t crush me.  It lifted me to my feet.  I quit trembling.

I felt God’s presence leave and the breeze seemed to return.  I knew deep in my heart He had taken Daddy home.  My mind said it couldn’t be, but deep in my heart I knew.  The peace stayed settled over me.  The ambulance driver climbed out of the back and came toward me.  He looked into my eyes and told me they were taking Daddy to Athens.  The final thing he said to me was, “Don’t try to keep up with me.”  As he jumped into the driver’s seat and backed out of the driveway, mom came from the house carrying her purse.  She must have run in when they put daddy in the ambulance.  I ran into the house.  There were my wide eyed children.  Looking to me for hope and peace, but my mind was a whirl wind.  I choked out the word, “Pray”.

As I jumped in the car I called Frank, and then my cousin Krista.  Krista headed over to be with my babies, and Frank left work calling on people to pray as he drove with his flashers on the usual 45 minutes from Huntsville to Athens.

I got behind the wheel of moms car and drove to Athens.  Mom looked at me and asked, “How bad is this?”  My nurse brain knew, my heart knew, but my daughter’s heart choked out the words, “It’s bad, but this is Daddy.  He is fighter.”  I tried telling myself that they will get meds in him.  His heart will come back. They will med-flight him to Huntsville, and Frank will have one of the cardiac interventionalists or surgeons ready to put in a stent or do bypass.   

I drove the 10 minutes to Athens Hospital, parked the car, and walked into the ER holding my sweet momma’s hand.  She sounded so strong as she gave the receptionist at the desk my dad’s name.  She sounded like a fighter.  They ushered us into an office in the back.  My nurse brain shouted silently, “NO! This is where you put families who lose a loved one.  Not on my watch!  Not today! This is my daddy we are talking about!  We will be at his side in no time.”

Mom and I looked silently at each other.  I opened my mouth to pray, but all that came from my lips was a soft cry.  It came from deep within me.  It brought me back to that peace that God had left with me.  The doctor walked in.  He was so kind.  I could see the pain in his face as he looked down into my momma’s hopeful face.  He offered to continue to work, but explained that there had been no response.  Deep within me I heard the Lord whisper, “He is already with me.  There is no life left in his body.”

Momma must have heard the same thing in her heart.  She squared her little shoulders, looked kindly into the doctors eyes, and said, “It’s ok.  He is gone.”  The doctor told us he would be right back to take us in to see daddy. 

When it was time, we went silently into his room with tears streaming down our faces.  Momma looked at Daddy’s work worn hands.  They were still greasy from working on the van.  A gentle smile softened her pained expression as she whispered, “Well Butch, you got what you wanted.  You died with greasy hands.”

Yes, Daddy died the way he lived.  Working hard.  Taking care of his girls.  He was a fighter.  We worked harder than any person I have ever known.  A furious love burned deep in his heart: a love that propelled him to always fight for the little guy, protect and care for his girls, help anyone that needed it, and do the right thing even though it may be the hardest thing to do. 

There was a flurry of amazing friends and family that supported us and helped us to stand as we walked out the gut wrenching weeks ahead.  They were God’s tangible hugs of support that carried us when we couldn’t stand.

As time passed that first year and the numbness of grief began to subside, we felt the seed of adoption that God had planted deep in our hearts years ago, when our precious niece Mackenzie had passed away, begin to grow.  It had been cultivated and watered in the grief and pain of losing Daddy.  We began to look at our lives and ask, “Are we living like he lived, consumed by the furious love of our Heavenly Father that would cause us to fight for the ones less fortunate, drop whatever we were doing to help someone out, fight for what was right even if it looked like we might lose, and do the right thing even if it was the most difficult choice?”  And so our adoption journey began.

Now today, as I am feeling battle weary from this adoption process and remembering how hard this day was 6 years ago, I am choosing to remember who my earthly Daddy was and who my Heavenly Daddy is.  I will love with a furious, passionate love that will cause me to fight for the weak ones, stop my plans for my life to help someone in need, and do the right thing even when it is painfully hard.  I will rest peacefully in the presence of my Mighty God who will never leave me in the midst of the raging storms of life. I will lean into Him and the perfect peace only He can bring.  I will hide in the shelter of His wings as He fights for me.  And in Christ alone, I will fight the battles set before me and love with a furious, all-consuming love.

From Insufficiency to a Handful of Rocks

            I have begun this blog post several times and then deleted it.  I struggle to express what is in my heart.  Sometimes there are not words. I wrote it several weeks ago and have been changing it each time I read it.  I am not sure if my words can adequately express all God is doing in my heart during this season.  Each day He is doing more and continuing to grow me.  I am sure once I post it, there will be things I will want to change the next day.

          Each adoption journey is unique and this one has been different from the last for me.  Some things have been easier, because I know what to expect, but there have been some unexpected things that have caused me to run after God like never before.  Being outside of my comfort zone will always do that! I think my Heavenly Father knows that, and that is right where He wants me to be!

A couple months ago, I found myself completely overwhelmed and crying out to God. Actually, I was beyond overwhelmed and sinking very quickly into the waves of “Oh my goodness, I can’t do this; this is so far beyond me it is going to swallow me whole, and I will never find my way out and back to any semblance of normal ever again!” 

Much like the Apostle Peter when he jumped out of the boat to walk on water when the Lord called to him, I had started this adoption journey with gusto.  I had jumped out of the boat of the normal routine of life and found myself once again out on the lake of the adoption journey.  I was familiar with the waves of paperwork and governmental red tape between two countries.  I was familiar with the winds of everyday chaos in a house with 4 homeschool children.  But then the big waves hit and the wind really picked up.

As the school year began to come to a close and the graduation of our oldest loomed right before me, things began to get stirred up big time.  I had no idea that his impending graduation required me to act not only as adoring parent but as high school counselor as well.  I would never have made it without our amazing homeschool director, Michele, and my dear friend Laurel, who had bravely walked through graduating two of her children in recent years and made it appear as though anyone could do it.  These ladies are truly two of my heroes. On top of these unexpected demands, for some reason my girls needed more time and academic attention, and everyone in the house seemed to need more emotional attention from mom.  I have no idea why! Maybe it was just all the craziness in the house and that my attention seemed to always be on adoption stuff or graduation stuff.  Either way they needed me.  My days spiraled out of control and I felt like I could never get all the “have to’s” done or give any of my children what they really needed.  I just was not enough.  I couldn’t do it.  And then the big waves hit. 

We began to get some updates on our sweet Hayden and his special needs.  The autism, sensory issues, speech issues, and some other things that we weren’t really expecting hit me in one big wave.  I took one look at myself, all the craziness around me, all the things currently being demanded of me, and all the what ifs of what Hayden was going to need of me when he comes home, and I started to sink.  Yep, I was going down.  There was just no way I could do it. Period.

That’s where I was one morning a few months ago, alone in the early morning quiet of a house still full of sleeping children.  Sinking and sobbing and crying out to God as I felt the wind and waves of life engulf me.  I slowly began to flip back through the pages of my journal.  My tears were making it hard to read at times, but then I started to see it.  Over and over again I had written this prayer, “God let there be more of YOU and less of me.”  Then I heard the whisper of my gentle, loving, and patient Heavenly Father, “Sweetheart, for there to be more of ME and less of you, I have to take you beyond you.” For the first time in months, I had peace. It filled my soul and mind and wrapped around me like a blanket.

His voice was not condemning or judging me.  He did not ask me why I couldn’t do it all or chastise me for running on ahead into what if’s of the future, and not holding His hand in today.  No, He lovingly reminded me that He had called me out of the boat fully aware of the storm to come.  He knew of the wind and waves to come way back at the beginning of my journey out onto the water to meet Him. And He alone knows of all the future wind, waves, and storms.  He had not stopped walking toward me even when I got distracted and disoriented and began to think I had to manage this storm of life on my own.  Even though I had lost sight of Him behind the waves of the awareness of my insufficiency, He had not lost sight of me.  He was with me the whole time!  I didn’t have to be sufficient for this storm or any other that might come, because HE IS!  He had called me out here to walk with Him, because I had asked Him too.  I wanted, and still want, to know life that is all Him and far beyond me.  I just got confused and somehow started to think I had to manage it on my own.  I am not sure how I got distracted, or how I came to that place.  I intended to walk out to Him on the water, completely focused on Him.  I really did!  I didn’t even realize my focus had shifted until that morning when I sank into the tears of my insufficiency. 

Then He began to show me how He had been there all along.  All my life my Heavenly Father has been with me preparing me for this now moment.  He wastes nothing.  Just as these moments are not just for today, they are preparing me for moments in the future, moments that thankfully I cannot begin to imagine or comprehend now, when I will be able to look back and say, “God was in this.  Look what He has done!”  

So the last few months the Lord has lead me on a pondering journey.  One where He has been showing me moments from my past that He has ordained or walked with me through to bring me to now, so that I could become more aware of His sufficiency.  For example, the years during nursing school that both Frank and I worked at a respite center for special needs children and adults.  It was not just coincidence that I saw the help wanted sign on the bulletin board in the nursing building at Grand Valley State University. It was God.  I have no idea how long it was posted, but I was the only one to reply to it.  Once I started working there I fell in love with the children and adults there and convinced Frank he needed to work their too! They were thrilled to have a guy to help with some of the adult guests.  And then God did this amazing thing in both of our hearts.  We both fell in love with the guests that frequented the respite center!  We really loved working there!  The money wasn’t great, and it was in an “interesting” part of town, but we loved it!  Another example is when we have struggled by our children’s sides, and continue to struggle some days, with dyslexia and learning difficulties.  Through those experiences and years of occupational therapy we have gained not only insight but an amazing OT friend, Denise, who also happens to specialize in autism and sensory issues.  There are so many more moments, but you get the idea.  All God!  Every moment! So that in this moment, He could point me back and say, “See, I have never left.  I have been orchestrating each moment to bring you to now.  Each moment is a gift with my fingerprint on it so that in this moment when you feel so far beyond yourself, you can see I have been there, and I always will be, preparing you and equipping you for the destiny I have planned for you and the battles you will need to fight to get there.”

Honestly, I have been processing and pondering all this for months.  I am still working on wrapping my brain around it all, but a month ago, I feel as though God began to open the floodgates of understanding for me.  As I attended our church’s annual women’s conference, I drew in what several speakers had to say and, you might say, the light bulb came on.  One dynamic woman of God shared about the widow who had only a little flour and oil left and was going to make some bread for her and her son and then die because of the famine.  When Elijah asked her to make him some bread she had a choice.  She could eat what she had and die, or she could hold it with an open hand, sow it into the call of God on her life, and never run out, always have enough, and not just survive, but thrive! Now, she didn’t know in advance the effect her obedience would have.  She had to step out in faith and give all that she had to the Lord first before she became completely aware of all the blessings God had in store for her.  She could have missed it.  If she had held on tight and focused more on the little she had in her hand than on how big her God was.   Light Bulb! I was doing that.  I was so focused on how little there was of me, I had missed out on giving all of me and the moments of my life that had brought me to now to God and letting Him make it enough.  Again, I hadn’t meant to.  That wasn’t my intention, but when the storm of life howled, I mistakenly thought that holding on to the little I had was going to save me.  Nope.  I am definitely not enough to get through this storm or any other with the little I have to offer. I need God to make it more.

Another speaker made a seemingly simple statement but one that rocked my world, “God doesn’t respond to whining, He responds to faith.”  She shared how finally Hannah got out of her self-pity and remembered who her God was.  When she got out of her pity and into the power of God, her prayer became one of faith and power.  God wove this message together with a song he had been using to minister to my spirit, Giants Fall.  Again, I was looking at only the small things in my hand that I possessed. I believed that what I had wasn’t enough.  I wasn’t looking at them in faith, I was looking at them and whining, “God it’s not enough.  I am not enough. Oh, woe is me!”   What if David had looked at the stones God had had him gather and said, “God this isn’t enough.  I am not equipped. I give up.”  Light bulb!  Yep, that’s what I was doing.  I was looking at the stones, all those moments of preparation that God was in, all the “weapons” God had given me, and I was whining and saying they weren’t enough.  And guess what! On my own, the way I was trying to use them, they were definitely not enough, but anointed and empowered in prayers of faith, not whining, but remembering who my God is, how awesome He is, and how He has orchestrated each moment to bring me here, wasting nothing, those little things I held in my hand became giant slayers! 

So here I am in this moment. Focusing my eyes on my Lord, offering Him back all the moments of my life that have brought me here, for Him to use through me to bring destiny into my life and my son’s life and to take down the giants of medical diagnosis, sensory issues, and many other things trying to rob Hayden of his destiny and me of mine.  What amazes me is that once my focus shifted back to how great my God is, and to how He has placed things in my hand to offer back to Him, filled with faith, I no longer feel like I am drowning.  I feel ready to walk on water, holding His hand of course, and ready to fight the giants with the stones He has given me. 

Another wonderful speaker made this statement, “We are not fighting for victory; we are fighting FROM victory! HE HAS ALREADY WON!”  I am not exactly sure how I ended up drowning in the pity of my own insufficiency.  Lies of the enemy perhaps, or my own pride maybe (ouch, that hurts).  But I am so thankful my loving Heavenly Father didn’t leave me there.  He reached down, met me where I was, lovingly picked me up and dusted me off and is helping me start again with the understanding that HE IS ALL-SUFFICIENT and HE HAS ALREADY WON! All I need to do is focus on Him, not me, and surrender all He has given me, back to Him and He will provide beyond my comprehension and take down any giant who dares to come against the one and only true God and the destiny He has planned for His children.  HE HAS ALREADY WON AND HE IS SUFFICIENT! 

Waiting for an Asterisk

 

What is an asterisk exactly?   Well, the word itself comes from the Latin word asteriscus or Greek word asteriskos, meaning “little star”.  Miriam-Webster’s dictionary defines it as, “a symbol * that is used in printed text especially to tell someone to read a note that can be found at the bottom of a page”. This note usually brings clarification or more detail to what was just said.

Sometimes we cringe when we see this little mark on our cell phone contract, a piece of advertising, or on a coupon we wanted to use.  It can often mean there are some restrictions and limitations in fine print at the bottom of the page that will limit us from enjoying a savings or special offer.  Sometimes, it can mean there is a definition of a word or further information about what was said at the bottom of the page.  This little star, though often overlooked, can give clarity and understanding to a word or situation.  This is my favorite type of asterisk.  I love to have more information and clarity.  My mind often hungers for clarity and understanding to what I am reading and even situations I may be facing.  I am quick to read the asterisked note at the bottom of a page, thinking, “This is where the real information can be found. This is where I will get my questions answered.”

I didn’t realize the power of this little symbol in my life until just the other day. The story of its significance stretches out over a considerable amount of time. It took me a while to finally come to this “little star” of clarity, and I have a feeling that this is just the beginning; that there will be more “little stars” of clarity and definition yet to come.  Here is my story:

It began 2 ½ years ago. We were in the adoption process and had not yet been matched with our Zoe. We were in a holding pattern of what seemed to be endless paperwork and forms to fill out with no clarity of direction.  Dear friends of ours were about to go get their son from China and needed someone to go with them to help with their older children.  They didn’t ask me to go, but were having difficulty finding someone to commit to go.  I felt The Lord very plainly tell me to go.  Frank was in agreement whole heartedly, so I offered to go.  The next thing I knew, I was on a plane to China with this precious family to bring home their little boy.  While in China, we visited a foster home for children with significant medical needs, run by a couple that were friends of our dear friends.  It was an amazing day! We held and played with the children.  I looked at each one and asked deep in my heart, “Lord, could this one be ours?”  There was no asterisk of clarity that day. Just more questions that remained unanswered. 

I returned home, still thinking and wondering about the children at the foster home.  They had so captured my heart.  A month later we were matched with our precious Zoe, who was on the opposite side of China from the foster home, and I was given that first asterisk of clarification.  From the moment I laid eyes on her precious picture, I knew deep in my heart, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was meant to be her momma, and she was my girl! No medical need or potentially challenging situation mattered.  The “little star” of clarity The Lord placed in my heart made everything else insignificant.  I have watched her walk through the heartache and grief of being adopted and leaving everything she knew behind at a young age. I have held her as she cried inconsolably with no words to describe the heartbreak and pain she felt inside. And I have held her hand, hugged, kissed, and rocked her as she healed and created new bonds of attachment and trust.  God has been so faithful! Each tiny step of progress is a “little star” giving my heart more clarity and understanding to who God is, what He is capable, and what His destiny and call for my life are.

 

The past 2 years of being Zoe’s mom has been more amazing, beautiful, and at times more challenging than I ever imagined when we were going through the adoption process.  Through it all God has given me little moments of clarification that have given me small glimpses of who HE is, His amazing unconditional love, and His ability to heal our hearts, minds, and bodies.  And yet, for the last year I have been feeling as though I needed another asterisk, a little more information about my purpose, and the direction God had me going.  Please don’t misunderstand.  I am very happy and content with my life.  I love the craziness and challenges of being a homeschooling mom of 4 precious children and wife to a wonderful husband.  I love watching our children grow, helping them learn, being a part of all their activities, cooking, cleaning, and organizing.  I wouldn’t trade it for anything.  I will be honest that, yes, there are days I want to just pull the covers over my head and hide because I just need a break, but believe me, I wouldn’t want any other life than the one God has given me.  I wouldn’t change a thing.

 

This need for an asterisk of understanding was more of a “I feel called to an assignment, but am not sure what the assignment is” kind of feeling.  I continued to pray and seek The Lord, but the asterisk just wasn’t there, so I continued doing what was before me to do. Love, laugh with, play with, and care for my family.

Frank and I continue to look at our adoption agency’s website and waiting children lists.  We just love children! We pray for them and their forever families, and that they will be matched soon.  One evening, we saw a little boy on the list that had been at the foster home I visited when in China. He was such a darling! I had pictures of me playing with him and hugging and loving on him.  He was just precious! 

 

We both started praying for him and his forever family.  We continued to watch the foster home website to see if he was matched.  When the children are matched, there is a little asterisk put by their name to direct you to the note at the bottom of the page that says, “*These children have been matched with a family.” Months went by, and he was not matched.  My heart ached for him.  Then one evening, as we were getting ready for bed, Frank began to share something God had put on his heart.  He explained that he had been praying for this little boy while driving to work that morning.  He was asking God why this little one’s forever family had not come for him yet and why was he still waiting. Frank explained to me that deep in his heart he felt God say, “He is still waiting, because you have not gone to get him.”  Wow!!! I don’t have words to express how stunned I felt.  Really?! Was this the asterisk I was waiting for? My response to Frank was more of a “ok, we don’t really know for sure if he is even still available”, “maybe this is really just an emotional thing” kind of response.  He smiled and asked me to call our agency the next day to see if this little boy’s file was available. Well, I didn’t sleep much.  Mostly, I just keep asking God and wondering, “Really?!?!?!”

The following day, I called and one of our social workers said she would see if his file was still available on a shared list (this means many agencies have access to it). It took a while, over a month to find his file and information.  Once it was found and we had a copy, we began reading through it. It seemed for Frank, this was all he needed. He knew this little boy was ours.  I kept wondering, waiting to feel like God had given that asterisk on the situation that would give clarity and confirmation.  As I looked through his file, none of what was said really mattered to me.  I kept seeing the pictures of myself playing with him flash through my mind, and I could hear the sound of his laughter when I had tickled his neck echoing in my ears.  But was he really ours? I was afraid to release my heart to love and attach to him as my son, because what if we found out he was already matched with someone else? I would be happy he had a forever family, but I will be honest, it would really hurt. 

After looking at his file just the one evening, we called our agency and asked what to do next.  This was a different order of things than our last adoption.   His file was pulled from the list, but we would need to send a Letter of Intent to China and receive Pre-Approval from them before we knew for sure he was ours. My mind kept asking, “Is he really ours, or has another family submitted a Letter of Intent before us and we just don’t know about it yet?” We had 24 hours to do this, which included filling out lots of papers and forms and taking our own passport pictures, which were terrible. Hopefully the Chinese government would not think they were mug shots! We did it and had it submitted in time, and then the 1-2 week wait began. The butterflies never left my tummy. Every time the phone rang I was hoping to see our social worker’s number. Nope.

1-2 weeks doesn’t usually seem that long to me when I am doing school with our children and running them to their various activities, cooking, cleaning, etc., but when waiting on that “little star” to bring light, confirmation, and clarity to this moment in our lives, it seemed like an eternity.  Then suddenly it came. The call.  I saw the number.  I answered with a shaky voice. This was it for me.  If she said that we had received pre-approval, I would know that this was that asterisk I was waiting for. This would be the clarity for the next call God had for me. She so sweetly asked how I was doing. My response was, “Umm, I have butterflies in my tummy so bad I think I am going to throw up.  I really need to know if we have PA.” She laughed and said, “ I have wonderful news for you. We received your Pre-Approval today!”  Bless her heart I was a mess! The laughing and crying all mixed together. I heard little of what she had to say after that. My heart just kept repeating this prayer, “I am coming my sweet boy! Lord let him know he has a mommy and daddy and we are coming as fast as we can!”

I thought this moment was the clarity, the little note that solidified the next step in my life.  I didn’t realize I was really waiting for another until it happened.  I kept checking the foster home’s website every other day to see if he had the little asterisk by his name, stating proudly, though in a small, non-assuming way, for the whole world, that he had a family. And even if no one knew who his mommy and daddy were, I knew.  But guess what, a week and no asterisk.  Hmm… Ok, I know they take care of lots of medically needy children, but this was important! There should be an asterisk by his name! He is mine! I finally quit looking, because it bugged me and I really wanted to focus on what I knew was true.  He was ours and we were going to get him.  My mind was made up.  I was determined. Let the paperwork begin!!!

Last Friday morning I received a text from a friend who watches the foster home website as much or more that I do.  “I almost cried yesterday before work when I saw that your little boy has his ‘I’ve been matched’ asterisk. That makes me so happy!”  the text said. What???!!!! How could I have missed it?! I had to see it for myself! There it was! For the whole world to see! He has a home and a family! And I know it’s us!!! I am his mommy! That was it! That little asterisk had the power to release a love and attachment in my heart that I did not realize I had been holding back, because I needed to see that asterisk giving clarity to my little boy’s name.  He is not an orphan in a foster home in China.  He is my son!!! I am his Mom, even if he doesn’t know it yet! I am coming for you my sweet boy, just as fast as I can!

 

God is so good! I am so thankful for this little asterisk of understanding and clarity for my life right now.  The adoption process can be so long and daunting at times, but now when I need a confirmation that the process is moving forward, all I have to do is look at the little asterisk by my son’s name and know, it will happen all in God’s perfect timing, because God has put and asterisk on the whole situation.  He is making us a family.  He is bringing us together from opposite sides of the world.  There is nothing I have to fear because God said we will be a family.  And if God says it, I can surely believe it. The real asterisk came when Frank received a word from God months ago telling us to go get our little boy.  Why did I feel like I needed to see it with my eyes? Wasn’t seeing it with my heart enough?  Lord, please help my tiny faith!!!  God is so good to give me what I needed.  He is growing my faith in such a loving, tender way.  I wonder, how many times has He given me a little asterisk, and I didn’t take time to read it, or I thought it was going to limit me or hold me back from something I wanted, so I moved on without taking the time to see the note by the little star that God gave me? What clarifications and understandings have I missed?  “Lord, I will be on the lookout from now on for “the  stars” you place in my life. The little asterisk notes that bring clarity and understanding of who You are, how amazing You are, and the life You have so graciously given me.”

So world, here is the news. There is one less orphan in the world!  Hayden has an asterisk by his name.  He is our son!

 

A Birthday Now and Then

This past weekend has been wrought with a broad range of emotions for me.  Some of which I struggle to put into words and only tears can express.  It was truly a weekend of intense joy as we celebrated Zoe's 3rd birthday on September 13, our first with her.  She was so precious as she smiled brightly and said, "Like presents! Like birthday! Like cake!" She doesn't know it, but we liked giving her those things even more that she liked receiving them.  In the midst of all the joy and celebration, this was also a weekend of remembrance as my mind automatically wandered back to last year and the preceding 2 years, which brings those nameless emotions surging to my consciousness and tears streaming down my face.

 

Last year on September 13, 2013, we knew there was a sweet little girl on the other side of the world waiting to join our family and whom was already ours in our hearts.  It was her 2nd birthday.  The second she had spent in an orphanage.  We sent her a birthday cake and presents, likely her first ever, and were thrilled to receive pictures of her with her cake and presents and pictures of ourselves that we had sent her.  None of that however, pacified the physical ache I felt in my heart and arms to hold her and tell her she was loved and that I would forever be her mommy and she my Princess Zoe.  (We had just named her Zoe, 2 weeks prior to her birthday.)  It was with this constant ache that we made a birthday coffee cake to eat for breakfast hoping that just maybe, since it was afternoon in China, we might be celebrating her birthday at the same time she was receiving her cake and gifts on the other side of the world. 

Following this sullen celebration, I left for our church's annual women's conference.  I felt so empty and broken, knowing that my baby didn't know how special this day, her birth, was to me, and that I was celebrating her life and so wanted to whisper words of love and life into her precious little ear.  Oh, and to touch and hold her!  Could anything in the world feel better?  As I sat in a room filled with hundreds of women, many of whom were some of my most precious friends, I felt so alone in this consuming pain.  Shouldn't I be excited that today was her birthday?  Yet as I swallowed the gigantic lump in my throat, I could barely breath over the ache in my chest to hold my darling girl.  I could only sob during worship.  My wordless pain and tears poured out onto my Heavenly Father's shoulder as He wrapped me in His arms, was all I could offer as praise.  He was the only one I could trust with this pain so heavy and deep I did not have words to express it.  His warm presence of peace overwhelmed me as I sobbed. Slowly my heart was soothed, and I was able to listen and focus as Pastor Leisa Neslon began to speak on "Living Life Now".  She was defining the different words used in the Bible for the word life.  Then it happened!  She really said it! "The definition of Zoe Life is God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!"  I nearly fell out of my chair!  Really!  I stopped breathing for a minute.  My Heavenly Father had met me right where I was in that moment, in a way that I could receive His love through my pain!  He called out my baby's name and defined who she is right then and there! She is God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life!  She is marked and sealed by The King of Kings for a destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life!  She is not an orphan!  She has a family!  She will never spend another day without a family!  She is our precious gift from God!  I decided in that moment, that in spite of the ache in my heart and tears in my eyes, I would celebrate the beautiful life and blessing God had promised and had given me even though I could not yet touch it and hold it in my arms.  I had to trust that some day He would fulfill His promise to me, and I would hold my precious Zoe. I could have joy in the midst of this pain.  My hands shook as I texted my Pastor.   I had to tell someone!  All I could say was, "We named her Zoe!"  She knew what I meant.  "Praise the Lord!!!!" was her heart felt response.  Our Father is so faithful!  He sees His children.  We are never too buried in our pain for Him to reach us.  We just have to surrender it to Him, and be ready when He meets us right in the middle of it.

As I celebrated this birthday with Zoe, all I could hear in my heart was, "He has turned my mourning into dancing!" Oh, yes He has!!!!  I can hold my precious gift, and whisper words of love and life in her ear.  I can speak her destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life in her ear, and someday she will fully understand.  For now, she just repeats those words back to me, because she knows they make me smile, but someday she will speak them with power, authority, and conviction.  They will come to her quickly then, when she needs them most, because we have rehearsed them in her innocence.  My heart imagines the smile of our Heavenly Father as she speaks those words.  I can just see Him!  She will not be defined by the words of man; she will not be defined by medical reports.  She will only be defined by the words of her Heavenly Father!

In truth, I revisited the pain of that day this weekend.  The tears again flowed freely from my eyes, and I felt the ache to have held her on her past birthdays and the day of her birth, but yet this time there was understanding. My God is a God who fulfills His promises.  He ordains life and creates families.  The contrast of the two days, only a year apart cause me to marvel at the greatness and love of my Heavenly Father.  To have walked a valley of such deep, wordless pain makes the mountain top of joy so much more beautiful.  That pain was not wasted.  It was for Kingdom Purpose.  He has used it, and will continue to use it to bring Glory to Himself!  Our Father is so faithful!  I can not praise Him enough for the miracle of Zoe!

 

 



 

This outpouring of praise and thankfulness always causes me to remember my Zoe's precious birth mother.  I imagine she now carries the wordless pain and ache that I carried a year ago.  I am sure she wonders where her precious baby is and hopes she is safe and loved.  I know she loves Zoe.  For 11 months she cared for her and loved her before surrendering her to the care of an orphanage in hopes that her medical needs would be addressed.  I can see her love in my Zoe's eyes of love. I can feel it in Zoe's eagerness to give and receive love and affection.  So I choose again to take up that pain and ache, but this time to carry it in prayer for the precious, nameless woman on the other side of the world who lovingly gave me my sweet baby.  May our Heavenly Father meet her in her pain and lovingly comfort and soothe her.  May He reveal to her in the quietness of her heart that her little one is safe and loved and living the life He destined for her.  May she too live a life of God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!

TO GOD BE ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND PRAISE!

6 Months: Milestones and Precious Moments

It is hard to believe that 6 months ago, sweet Zoe toddled into my arms and captured my heart forever.  There are times it feels like yesterday, but then at the same time it feels as though she has been ours forever.

 This was taken shortly after Zoe became ours.

 

She has grown and changed so much in 6 short months.  She is 4 inches taller and 5 pounds heavier than the day we first held her in our arms.  She can identify every letter of the alphabet, climb ANYTHING, and say a number of English phases that just make us smile.  She is smart and funny and full of love and life.  She is a fighter and does not let anything slow her down or stop her, and yet she loves hugs and kisses and snuggles and is gentle and kind.  Just last night, for the first time, she let me rock her before bed for half an hour with her sweet head against my chest just listening to my heart beat.  This is huge progress as she has preferred to self comfort by cuddling her blanket at bed time and would ask me to put her into bed as soon as we were done singing and saying prayers.  My heart was just bursting with Joy I was so happy!

 

 Baby Dedication at our church.



Medically, Zoe has been making huge strides as well.  We have been to see a number of specialists and it seems as though there are new appointments and tests every day.  Although she is healthy, there are still some things she needs to have addressed.  She is currently wearing a brace for scoliosis for 18-20 hours daily.  She adjusted to it quickly and does not seem to mind it much.  The cranio-facial specialist has decided to give her a year of good nutrition before considering doing anything regarding her open cranium.  The genetics doctor is still doing a number of genetics studies, but is thrilled with her progress.  The pulmonologist also feels she is doing well and is content to just watch her.  We find the shock of all these doctors at how well Zoe is doing quite amusing at times.  We know we serve an awesome God who has great plans for her, and is healing her precious little body right before our eyes!  She has upcoming appointments with an ENT, Speech, and Audiology specialists as well as other tests, but we know that God is faithful, and that each specialist and test only reveals how great our God is and the miracle He is performing in our sweet Zoe.

 

Our Miracle Girl!

 



We believe with all our heart that sweet Zoe was destined by God to be our sweet girl before we ever knew her.  But to be honest, the journey has been difficult at times. It was hard when she seemed more comforted by her blanket that when I would hold her.  It was heartbreaking when she would cry out in her sleep for her foster brother.  It truly crushed my heart the days that I could see in her face that she was angry with me and would cry when I would try to hold her or soothe her.  But through it all God is so faithful!  He is healing her heart and we are past all of these things.

 

 

Along the way, in the difficult times God has given us moments of reassurance that indeed Zoe was always meant to be ours.  Frank's mom has made all the grandchildren beautiful knitted blankets.  When we asked her to make one for Zoe, she was unsure if she would be able to do so as the arthritis in her hands had grown worse since the last time she made a "grandma blanket".  We were sad but understood completely.  One day as she was looking for the blanket pattern to pass on to Frank's sister, she discovered that several years ago she had made a beautiful green "grandma blanket" and had set it aside and completely forgot about it.  She brought it to Zoe as a surprise when they came for a visit in April.  This completely wrecked me.  Only God could align all these "coincidences"!  A beautiful green (which means life) "grandma blanket" for our sweet Zoe (which means life) that was made by Grandma Bohlinger years before Zoe was even born!

First snuggle with her "grandma blanket."

Another precious moment was given to us on Madeline's birthday.  We had a little craft project for all the little girls to do.  It involved making picture frames using old buttons that had belonged to my Grandma Suchin. When she passed I inherited her button bag.  As the girls were sorting through buttons for their frames,  one sweet little girl was showing me some of the beautiful buttons she had found.  There was one she brought to my attention that brought tears to my eyes and rendered me speechless.  There in her hand was an ancient Chinese coin similar to ones had we had seen in a museum in Zoe's province!  I asked her  I could keep that button, and she smiled and said, "sure".  Again, only God could give my grandmother a piece of Chinese money similar to what we would see in Zoe's province, most-likely years before I was even born!  These moments confirm over and over in my heart that Zoe was destined to be our daughter from before time began.  His plans are perfect!



THE COIN!!!

 



There is no way I can express all the things in my heart.  I am overwhelmed at God's love and His  amazing plans for our family.  We all are daily blessed to have each other, and that He brought us together as a family across continents and an ocean.  To Him be all Glory and Praise!

What a Whirlwind!

I am officially the worst blogger (self professed) on the planet.  I often intend to sit down and blog, but when the opportunity arises, I end up finding what I refer to as a "have-to" that needs to be done.

After what seemed like one delay after the next:

Four months ago tomorrow, on December 9, 2013, our sweet Zoe toddled into my arms, and life has never been the same.  She is such a joy to all of us!  It feels as though she has always been ours. What a precious gift from God!  I am so in awe of all that God has done to bring this precious little one to our family.  I often catch myself just watching her.  I love to see every little thing she does, and every little expression that passes over her precious face.

This was the moment! She recognized us from the pictures we had sent, and she had been so well prepared by her sweet foster mother and nannies, that she began taking steps toward us when we walked in the door.  However, once I saw her, I was across that room and had her in my arms in a millisecond!

I was scared to death when we left the hotel to meet her for the first time.  It still makes me cry thinking back.  My heart still breaks for her.  Her little life was about to be turned upside down.  We knew it was for the best, and all part of God's plan, but my heart just broke for her knowing she would be scared and uncertain of all that was happening.

                                                          This is us leaving the hotel.

You can definitely tell she was worried in this picture.  She was bundled so much she was sweating terribly, but the beautiful Chinese outfit she is wearing will always be a treasure.

         We were thrilled to have her as a Bohlinger, but I am not so sure how she felt about it yet!

Later that evening we finally got our first genuine smile and giggle. It made us all just laugh out loud which made her smile and giggle more.  To be honest, this moment brought my heart so much peace.  I had loved this sweet baby for so long, even before I knew who she was.  I was just aching for her to know we loved her and that she was safe and loved.  She is just amazing.  She is so loving and funny. Her laugh and smile just brightens our world.

Our trip was amazing!  I think we all fell in love with the country and people of China.  We did some local touring in Zoe's province as well as Guangzhou where we spent a week getting paperwork prepared to come home.

My favorite trip was to Zoe's orphanage.  I really do not have words to describe the feelings of being where my sweet baby had spent the past year of her life. I wanted to soak it all in so as to feel as though I had somehow been a part of that year.  I still cry when I look at this picture of Zoe's foster mother, Zoe, and me.  I love this precious woman so much.  She loved my baby for me until I could get there.  Every time Zoe gives hugs and kisses and snuggles, which she does often, I think of this precious lady.  Without her tender love, my sweet Zoe would not be as loving and affectionate as she is.

It has been a time of adjustments for sure.  But we were so well prepared by our amazing agency, that we have been able to celebrate challenges and each new stage we have encountered.  She has grown so much in just a few months.  It is overwhelmingly wonderful to experience new things with her.  I love this picture of Frank teaching her how to lick the spatula after making cookie dough.  This is an essential skill around our house!

To our knowledge, this was the first snow she was ever out in.  She did not want to put her little snowball down when it was time to come in, and was terribly surprised when it melted quickly in her hand.  This picture is very special to me.  She is wearing our niece and God-daughter, Mackenzie's snow suit.  Please read our first post if you would like to know more about Mackenzie and her precious life. I am just in awe of God's faithfulness.  How HE can take our pain and make something so beautiful grow from it never ceases to amaze me.  HE alone receives all GLORY and PRAISE!

Her sisters have taught her to play dress-up, which she loves! 



Her brother is trying to teach her chemistry!  She just loves her brother and sisters.  It doesn't matter what they are doing, she just wants to be a part of it.

 

At this point, Zoe is doing great.  She is growing and thriving and bringing joy to our home every day.  She has grown 2 inches since December and has gained about 3 pounds.  She is bright and curious and loves to climb anything!  We love to hear her trying out new English words. It seem like there are dozens of new ones every day.  Occasionally she will still sing in Chinese, and I will be so sad if this ever stops.  It feels as though when I hear her little Chinese songs I have a window into her little life before she toddled into mine.

 

Zoe has some medical special needs that we knew about and a couple minor ones that were a surprise.  Please join us in praying for her complete and totally healing.  She is seeing a number of physicians and specialists.  The latest development is that she will need to wear a brace for severe scoliosis (we knew about this, just not the severity).  The doctor feels at some point she will need surgery, but we are praying and believing that as she wears this brace and continues to grow and thrive, that God will do a healing miracle in her precious little body.  We know we serve a miracle working God or we would never have made it to China to bring Zoe home.  We know her healing is in His loving and capable hands. 

 

Thank you to all our friends and family for your continued love, encouragement, and prayers.  You are such a blessing to us.