Last year on September 13, 2013, we knew there was a sweet little girl on the other side of the world waiting to join our family and whom was already ours in our hearts. It was her 2nd birthday. The second she had spent in an orphanage. We sent her a birthday cake and presents, likely her first ever, and were thrilled to receive pictures of her with her cake and presents and pictures of ourselves that we had sent her. None of that however, pacified the physical ache I felt in my heart and arms to hold her and tell her she was loved and that I would forever be her mommy and she my Princess Zoe. (We had just named her Zoe, 2 weeks prior to her birthday.) It was with this constant ache that we made a birthday coffee cake to eat for breakfast hoping that just maybe, since it was afternoon in China, we might be celebrating her birthday at the same time she was receiving her cake and gifts on the other side of the world.
Following this sullen celebration, I left for our church's annual women's conference. I felt so empty and broken, knowing that my baby didn't know how special this day, her birth, was to me, and that I was celebrating her life and so wanted to whisper words of love and life into her precious little ear. Oh, and to touch and hold her! Could anything in the world feel better? As I sat in a room filled with hundreds of women, many of whom were some of my most precious friends, I felt so alone in this consuming pain. Shouldn't I be excited that today was her birthday? Yet as I swallowed the gigantic lump in my throat, I could barely breath over the ache in my chest to hold my darling girl. I could only sob during worship. My wordless pain and tears poured out onto my Heavenly Father's shoulder as He wrapped me in His arms, was all I could offer as praise. He was the only one I could trust with this pain so heavy and deep I did not have words to express it. His warm presence of peace overwhelmed me as I sobbed. Slowly my heart was soothed, and I was able to listen and focus as Pastor Leisa Neslon began to speak on "Living Life Now". She was defining the different words used in the Bible for the word life. Then it happened! She really said it! "The definition of Zoe Life is God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!" I nearly fell out of my chair! Really! I stopped breathing for a minute. My Heavenly Father had met me right where I was in that moment, in a way that I could receive His love through my pain! He called out my baby's name and defined who she is right then and there! She is God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life! She is marked and sealed by The King of Kings for a destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life! She is not an orphan! She has a family! She will never spend another day without a family! She is our precious gift from God! I decided in that moment, that in spite of the ache in my heart and tears in my eyes, I would celebrate the beautiful life and blessing God had promised and had given me even though I could not yet touch it and hold it in my arms. I had to trust that some day He would fulfill His promise to me, and I would hold my precious Zoe. I could have joy in the midst of this pain. My hands shook as I texted my Pastor. I had to tell someone! All I could say was, "We named her Zoe!" She knew what I meant. "Praise the Lord!!!!" was her heart felt response. Our Father is so faithful! He sees His children. We are never too buried in our pain for Him to reach us. We just have to surrender it to Him, and be ready when He meets us right in the middle of it.
As I celebrated this birthday with Zoe, all I could hear in my heart was, "He has turned my mourning into dancing!" Oh, yes He has!!!! I can hold my precious gift, and whisper words of love and life in her ear. I can speak her destiny of God Ordained, God Breathed, God Empowered Life in her ear, and someday she will fully understand. For now, she just repeats those words back to me, because she knows they make me smile, but someday she will speak them with power, authority, and conviction. They will come to her quickly then, when she needs them most, because we have rehearsed them in her innocence. My heart imagines the smile of our Heavenly Father as she speaks those words. I can just see Him! She will not be defined by the words of man; she will not be defined by medical reports. She will only be defined by the words of her Heavenly Father!
In truth, I revisited the pain of that day this weekend. The tears again flowed freely from my eyes, and I felt the ache to have held her on her past birthdays and the day of her birth, but yet this time there was understanding. My God is a God who fulfills His promises. He ordains life and creates families. The contrast of the two days, only a year apart cause me to marvel at the greatness and love of my Heavenly Father. To have walked a valley of such deep, wordless pain makes the mountain top of joy so much more beautiful. That pain was not wasted. It was for Kingdom Purpose. He has used it, and will continue to use it to bring Glory to Himself! Our Father is so faithful! I can not praise Him enough for the miracle of Zoe!
This outpouring of praise and thankfulness always causes me to remember my Zoe's precious birth mother. I imagine she now carries the wordless pain and ache that I carried a year ago. I am sure she wonders where her precious baby is and hopes she is safe and loved. I know she loves Zoe. For 11 months she cared for her and loved her before surrendering her to the care of an orphanage in hopes that her medical needs would be addressed. I can see her love in my Zoe's eyes of love. I can feel it in Zoe's eagerness to give and receive love and affection. So I choose again to take up that pain and ache, but this time to carry it in prayer for the precious, nameless woman on the other side of the world who lovingly gave me my sweet baby. May our Heavenly Father meet her in her pain and lovingly comfort and soothe her. May He reveal to her in the quietness of her heart that her little one is safe and loved and living the life He destined for her. May she too live a life of God Breathed, God Ordained, God Empowered Life!
TO GOD BE ALL GLORY AND HONOR AND PRAISE!
