What is an asterisk exactly?
Well, the word itself comes from
the Latin word asteriscus or Greek word asteriskos, meaning “little star”. Miriam-Webster’s dictionary defines it as, “a
symbol * that is used in printed text especially to tell someone to read a note
that can be found at the bottom of a page”. This note usually brings
clarification or more detail to what was just said.
Sometimes we cringe when we see this little mark on our cell
phone contract, a piece of advertising, or on a coupon we wanted to use. It can often mean there are some restrictions
and limitations in fine print at the bottom of the page that will limit us from
enjoying a savings or special offer. Sometimes,
it can mean there is a definition of a word or further information about what
was said at the bottom of the page. This
little star, though often overlooked, can give clarity and understanding to a
word or situation. This is my favorite
type of asterisk. I love to have more
information and clarity. My mind often
hungers for clarity and understanding to what I am reading and even situations I
may be facing. I am quick to read the
asterisked note at the bottom of a page, thinking, “This is where the real
information can be found. This is where I will get my questions answered.”
I didn’t realize the power of this little symbol in my life
until just the other day. The story of its significance stretches out over a
considerable amount of time. It took me a while to finally come to this “little
star” of clarity, and I have a feeling that this is just the beginning; that
there will be more “little stars” of clarity and definition yet to come. Here is my story:
It began 2 ½ years ago. We were in the adoption process and
had not yet been matched with our Zoe. We were in a holding pattern of what
seemed to be endless paperwork and forms to fill out with no clarity of
direction. Dear friends of ours were
about to go get their son from China and needed someone to go with them to help
with their older children. They didn’t
ask me to go, but were having difficulty finding someone to commit to go. I felt The Lord very plainly tell me to
go. Frank was in agreement whole
heartedly, so I offered to go. The next
thing I knew, I was on a plane to China with this precious family to bring home
their little boy. While in China, we
visited a foster home for children with significant medical needs, run by a
couple that were friends of our dear friends.
It was an amazing day! We held and played with the children. I looked at each one and asked deep in my
heart, “Lord, could this one be ours?”
There was no asterisk of clarity that day. Just more questions that
remained unanswered.
I returned home, still thinking and wondering about the
children at the foster home. They had so
captured my heart. A month later we were
matched with our precious Zoe, who was on the opposite side of China from the
foster home, and I was given that first asterisk of clarification. From the moment I laid eyes on her precious
picture, I knew deep in my heart, beyond a shadow of a doubt, I was meant to be
her momma, and she was my girl! No medical need or potentially challenging
situation mattered. The “little star” of
clarity The Lord placed in my heart made everything else insignificant. I have watched her walk through the heartache
and grief of being adopted and leaving everything she knew behind at a young
age. I have held her as she cried inconsolably with no words to describe the
heartbreak and pain she felt inside. And I have held her hand, hugged, kissed,
and rocked her as she healed and created new bonds of attachment and
trust. God has been so faithful! Each
tiny step of progress is a “little star” giving my heart more clarity and
understanding to who God is, what He is capable, and what His destiny and call
for my life are.
The past 2 years of being Zoe’s mom has been more amazing,
beautiful, and at times more challenging than I ever imagined when we were going
through the adoption process. Through it
all God has given me little moments of clarification that have given me small
glimpses of who HE is, His amazing unconditional love, and His ability to heal
our hearts, minds, and bodies. And yet,
for the last year I have been feeling as though I needed another asterisk, a
little more information about my purpose, and the direction God had me going. Please don’t misunderstand. I am very happy and content with my
life. I love the craziness and
challenges of being a homeschooling mom of 4 precious children and wife to a
wonderful husband. I love watching our
children grow, helping them learn, being a part of all their activities, cooking,
cleaning, and organizing. I wouldn’t
trade it for anything. I will be honest
that, yes, there are days I want to just pull the covers over my head and hide
because I just need a break, but believe me, I wouldn’t want any other life
than the one God has given me. I wouldn’t
change a thing.
This need for an asterisk of understanding was more of a “I feel
called to an assignment, but am not sure what the assignment is” kind of
feeling. I continued to pray and seek
The Lord, but the asterisk just wasn’t there, so I continued doing what was
before me to do. Love, laugh with, play with, and care for my family.
Frank and I continue to look at our adoption agency’s
website and waiting children lists. We
just love children! We pray for them and their forever families, and that they
will be matched soon. One evening, we saw
a little boy on the list that had been at the foster home I visited when in
China. He was such a darling! I had pictures of me playing with him and hugging
and loving on him. He was just
precious!
We both started praying for
him and his forever family. We continued
to watch the foster home website to see if he was matched. When the children are matched, there is a
little asterisk put by their name to direct you to the note at the bottom of
the page that says, “*These children have been matched with a family.” Months
went by, and he was not matched. My
heart ached for him. Then one evening,
as we were getting ready for bed, Frank began to share something God had put on
his heart. He explained that he had been
praying for this little boy while driving to work that morning. He was asking God why this little one’s
forever family had not come for him yet and why was he still waiting. Frank
explained to me that deep in his heart he felt God say, “He is still waiting,
because you have not gone to get him.” Wow!!! I don’t have words to express how
stunned I felt. Really?! Was this the
asterisk I was waiting for? My response to Frank was more of a “ok, we don’t really
know for sure if he is even still available”, “maybe this is really just an
emotional thing” kind of response. He
smiled and asked me to call our agency the next day to see if this little boy’s
file was available. Well, I didn’t sleep much.
Mostly, I just keep asking God and wondering, “Really?!?!?!”
The following day, I called and one of our social workers
said she would see if his file was still available on a shared list (this means
many agencies have access to it). It took a while, over a month to find his
file and information. Once it was found
and we had a copy, we began reading through it. It seemed for Frank, this was
all he needed. He knew this little boy was ours. I kept wondering, waiting to feel like God
had given that asterisk on the situation that would give clarity and
confirmation. As I looked through his
file, none of what was said really mattered to me. I kept seeing the pictures of myself playing
with him flash through my mind, and I could hear the sound of his laughter when
I had tickled his neck echoing in my ears. But was he really ours? I was afraid to
release my heart to love and attach to him as my son, because what if we found
out he was already matched with someone else? I would be happy he had a forever
family, but I will be honest, it would really hurt.
After looking at his file just the one evening, we called
our agency and asked what to do next.
This was a different order of things than our last adoption. His file was pulled from the list, but we
would need to send a Letter of Intent to China and receive Pre-Approval from
them before we knew for sure he was ours. My mind kept asking, “Is he really
ours, or has another family submitted a Letter of Intent before us and we just don’t
know about it yet?” We had 24 hours to do this, which included filling out lots
of papers and forms and taking our own passport pictures, which were terrible.
Hopefully the Chinese government would not think they were mug shots! We did it
and had it submitted in time, and then the 1-2 week wait began. The butterflies
never left my tummy. Every time the phone rang I was hoping to see our social
worker’s number. Nope.
1-2 weeks doesn’t usually seem that long to me when I am
doing school with our children and running them to their various activities, cooking,
cleaning, etc., but when waiting on that “little star” to bring light, confirmation,
and clarity to this moment in our lives, it seemed like an eternity. Then suddenly it came. The call. I saw the number. I answered with a shaky voice. This was it
for me. If she said that we had received
pre-approval, I would know that this was that asterisk I was waiting for. This
would be the clarity for the next call God had for me. She so sweetly asked how
I was doing. My response was, “Umm, I have butterflies in my tummy so bad I think
I am going to throw up. I really need to
know if we have PA.” She laughed and said, “ I have wonderful news for you. We
received your Pre-Approval today!” Bless
her heart I was a mess! The laughing and crying all mixed together. I heard
little of what she had to say after that. My heart just kept repeating this
prayer, “I am coming my sweet boy! Lord let him know he has a mommy and daddy
and we are coming as fast as we can!”
I thought this moment was the clarity, the little note that
solidified the next step in my life. I didn’t
realize I was really waiting for another until it happened. I kept checking the foster home’s website
every other day to see if he had the little asterisk by his name, stating
proudly, though in a small, non-assuming way, for the whole world, that he had
a family. And even if no one knew who his mommy and daddy were, I knew. But guess what, a week and no asterisk. Hmm… Ok, I know they take care of lots of
medically needy children, but this was important! There should be an asterisk
by his name! He is mine! I finally quit looking, because it bugged me and I really
wanted to focus on what I knew was true.
He was ours and we were going to get him. My mind was made up. I was determined. Let the paperwork begin!!!
Last Friday morning I received a text from a friend who
watches the foster home website as much or more that I do. “I almost cried yesterday before work when I saw
that your little boy has his ‘I’ve been matched’ asterisk. That makes me so
happy!” the text said. What???!!!! How could
I have missed it?! I had to see it for myself! There it was! For the whole
world to see! He has a home and a family! And I know it’s us!!! I am his mommy!
That was it! That little asterisk had the power to release a love and
attachment in my heart that I did not realize I had been holding back, because I
needed to see that asterisk giving clarity to my little boy’s name. He is not an orphan in a foster home in
China. He is my son!!! I am his Mom,
even if he doesn’t know it yet! I am coming for you my sweet boy, just as fast
as I can!
God is so good! I am so thankful for this little asterisk of
understanding and clarity for my life right now. The adoption process can be so long and
daunting at times, but now when I need a confirmation that the process is
moving forward, all I have to do is look at the little asterisk by my son’s
name and know, it will happen all in God’s perfect timing, because God has put
and asterisk on the whole situation. He
is making us a family. He is bringing us
together from opposite sides of the world.
There is nothing I have to fear because God said we will be a
family. And if God says it, I can surely
believe it. The real asterisk came when Frank received a word from God months
ago telling us to go get our little boy.
Why did I feel like I needed to see it with my eyes? Wasn’t seeing it
with my heart enough? Lord, please help
my tiny faith!!! God is so good to give
me what I needed. He is growing my faith
in such a loving, tender way. I wonder,
how many times has He given me a little asterisk, and I didn’t take time to
read it, or I thought it was going to limit me or hold me back from something I
wanted, so I moved on without taking the time to see the note by the little
star that God gave me? What clarifications and understandings have I missed? “Lord, I will be on the lookout from now on
for “the stars” you place in my life.
The little asterisk notes that bring clarity and understanding of who You are, how
amazing You are, and the life You have so graciously given me.”
So world, here is the news. There is one less orphan in the
world! Hayden has an asterisk by his
name. He is our son!
